Last night, in bed, my foot was itchy, and my husband used his toenails to scratch it. If that isnt teamwork, I dont know what is!

sixfootcandy (@sixfootcandy) October 17, 2024

At this point, Im starting to think my husbands scream-sneezes are purposely malicious.

Bird Eckler (@Birdeckler) October 18, 2024

He died doing what he loved: showing his wife how cold his hands were by putting them up her shirt.

Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) October 16, 2024

hey. im running to the storeis there anything you need that i can remember incorrectly or totally forget to get you?

-my husband

SluttyNurseBrianCostume (@rn_murse) October 16, 2024

WIFE: So what did you do today?

ME: I wrote a story about a car that has a portrait of itself at home which absorbs any damage or wear and tear. Calling it the Picture Of Delorean Gray.

HER: Sometimes it's ok to say 'nothing'.

F NF (@sofarrsogud) October 17, 2024

When my wife gets upset at me I sneak into her Netflix profile and give thumbs up to the most boring documentaries

Vinod Chhaproo (@Chhapiness) October 18, 2024

Hello 911? Yes my wife is forcing me to walk over to meet the neighbors.

Dadman Walking (@dadmann_walking) October 20, 2024

Ahh, the sweet smell of my husband finally letting me turn the heater on.

Jennifer Parker (@Mrs_JParker) October 16, 2024

My Husband said I really shouldnt use my SUV as a laundry hamper or shoe storage.

He hasnt said anything about the fries between the seats, I guess a cafeteria is fine.

Darla (@ddsmidt) October 15, 2024

At breakfast my son yelled at my daughter for chewing too loud and my daughter yelled at my son for breathing too loud. I sat back and smiled knowing they are prepared for their future marriages.

Sweet Momissa (@sweetmomissa) October 17, 2024

Me: I've never loved something as much as I love you right now.

Husband: Aww, I love you, too.

*looks up from bag of Reese's Peanut Butter Cups*

Me: I'm sorry, did you say something?

Hollie Harris (@allholls) October 18, 2024

I was enjoying building a Lego set with my son until my wife tapped me on the shoulder and said he left for school an hour ago.

Daddy Go Fish (@daddygofish) October 17, 2024

I dont mean to brag, but my husband knows not to tell any of his jokes before Ive had coffee.

Ousa Medusa (@MedusaOusa) October 17, 2024

The cleaning lady is coming today so my wife is vacuuming under the living room rug before she gets here.

Dadman Walking (@dadmann_walking) October 16, 2024

My husband after coming home and telling me crazy stories about work:
And how was your day?

Me: Yeah, my day was crazy too. The Amazon driver delivered our packages next door again and then I had to call the gastroenterologist.

Bird Eckler (@Birdeckler) October 17, 2024

Wife: I dont know if I want you coming to the pumpkin farm with us because its a little much with all the puns

Me: Hay! Oh my gourd! Thats not fair

McDad (@mcdadstuff) October 16, 2024

My husband plays this fun game where he reminds me of the work that needs to be done when Im taking a break from the work Ive been doing.

krista pacion (@kristabellerina) October 16, 2024

me: awww that cute little old guy over there is waving at us.

my wife: yeah, that's Doug from high school.

me: oh.

Daddy Go Fish (@daddygofish) October 19, 2024

Ive been bugging my husband for a covered porch for years and now we have a covered porch so what the hell am I going to do with all this free time now?

Sweet Momissa (@sweetmomissa) October 19, 2024

Me: Im gonna get a beer.
Wife: Stay there on the couch and watch football, Ill get it for you.
Me:
Wife [returning with beer]: Are youare you crying?

Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) October 20, 2024