[at Halloween store]

Me: Store security just stopped me.
Wife: WHY?
Me: They thought I was stealing a Sexy Dad costume.
Wife: [leaves]

Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) October 25, 2024

I asked my wife to guess how many open browsers tabs I had on my phone.

She guessed 33.

Friends, it was 351.

ADHD Jesse (@adhdjesse) October 25, 2024

I just gave my husband listening instructions.

When theres noise coming out of my mouth, thats me speaking.

Late to the party Laura (@ericamorecambe) October 26, 2024

Date night is paying someone $120 to have fun with your kids so you can argue with your spouse in peace.

Daddy Go Fish (@daddygofish) October 23, 2024

WIFE: You're not coming to my work Halloween party this year.

ME: Is it because last year I put two Doritos under my top lip and called myself Count Snackula?

HER: Yes. Yes it is.

F NF (@sofarrsogud) October 27, 2024

My husband just awarded Mr. baby with the "cutest footsies award." He also did the acceptance speech on baby's behalf.

Eli McCann (@EliMcCann) October 23, 2024

Whenever I dont want to listen to a song I in the car with my wife I lean over and whisper my ex loves this song

Tony P. (@Tbone7219) October 28, 2024

Today I said Im gonna take an Uber to the vet and my cat DARTED out of the room. I was like How does she even know the word vet and my wife turned her whole body to glare at me and said Because she understands English????

Heather Hogan (@theheatherhogan) October 25, 2024

Wife shouting across the house: Can you help me squeeze this caulk?!?

Me, with absolutely no idea shes doing home improvement stuff: Wat

N.J. Gallegos is Dr. Spooky (@DrSpooky_ER) October 22, 2024

Autocorrect changed my husband is out of town to out of time and is that what they mean by dark mode

meghan (@deloisivete) October 27, 2024

Marriage is amazing. You basically get a built-in bestie to blame everything on.

sixfootcandy (@sixfootcandy) October 23, 2024

I like to keep the mystery alive in our relationship by not answering my husband whenever he asks me "What's for dinner?"

Hollie Harris (@allholls) October 23, 2024

Husband got a mustache and now I need him

The Jay Agenda (@JayJurden) October 26, 2024

help my husband won't stop saying things like "this one came in way over budget" and "my boss is gonna have my head" when he's actually just talking about a bridge he built in a video game about building bridges

snail (@tallsnail) October 27, 2024

At that age where my wife and I just walk around CVS to see if any medication we might need is on sale.

Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) October 25, 2024

My 10 year old nephew asked my husband tonight what his greatest fear is and my husband said in a melodramatic transatlantic accent "fear itself!" Not the right audience for his joke but I appreciate the hustle.

Eli McCann (@EliMcCann) October 27, 2024

ME: I'm off to turn some tricks

WIFE: Please just say 'do magic'

F NF (@sofarrsogud) October 22, 2024

To be fair, everything probably was "fine."

Until she heard him muttering under his breath as he was walking away.

Darla (@ddsmidt) October 26, 2024

The best way to work out on a Sunday is by rage-vacuuming while your spouse naps, which burns way more calories than regular weekday vacuuming.

Stephanie Ortiz (@Six_Pack_Mom) October 27, 2024

My Ring camera announced "There is motion at your back door," and now my wife is wishing I did not hear that.

Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) October 28, 2024