No one is as obnoxiously well-behaved as a child whose sibling is getting yelled at.

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My email signature today is \"A TEETHING, SCREAMING BABY IS ON MY LAP AND I TRULY DON'T KNOW HOW I'M DOING THIS, Bess Kalb\"

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My oldest just called the Big Dipper the Giant Scooper and I'm never correcting him.

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buying desks and supplies to prepare for home schooling my kids while working full time this fall therefore I also bought ice cream and booze

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Me: Can't chat now my love, I have a meeting.

4yo: OK can I just tell you one quick thing? Does water last forever? And did you know that not all kangaroos carry their babies in their pouches? And what happens to me if you and Daddy die before I'm a grown up?

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You gon send your kid to school with the Paw Patrol mask and he gon come home with a Spider Man mask because he made a trade at lunch. Whole school gon be shut down the next day.

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Husband took all the kids out so I had the house to myself for the first time in over 4 months and I made good of this time by eating snacks and staring at the wall followed by more snack-eating and wall-staring

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It takes an entire villages whiskey to raise a child

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Her: did you have a relaxing vacation?

Me: What part of family camping trip do you not understand?

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Important bedtime question from my 6-year-old...

In the underworld, how do you tell which skeleton is which? Do they have skeleton hair?

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My son thinks the heart is in the stomach and calls vaginas berginas so I think hes officially ready to start giving medical advice on Facebook

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My 4yo asked me to get her a toy from her bedroom but I was busy so I told her shed have to get it herself and she said, I dont have to, Im sitting.

So in case anybodys interested, her webinar on living your best life will be out soon.

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I once sprained my ankle at the park. My daughter asked me to push her on the swing, and I was like I cant walk and she said, Well, you could crawl! And thats everything you need to know about raising children.

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Me: Im worried I cant handle another year of homeschooling my kids.

Strangers on the Internet: Personally, I love my kids and want to spend every waking minute with them. Why did you even have kids, you utter failure of a mother???

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As my husband & I finally joined the kids in the little inflatable pool we put on the deck, my 8 y.o. exclaimed, without a trace of sarcasm, Oh good, now we can imitate the family having fun on the box!

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I was feeling super confident in my new pin-up inspired, red polka dot bathing suit til my daughter asked, mommy, why are you dressed like Minnie Mouse?

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Me: Go to bed.

4-year-old: I have to tell you something first.

Me: What?

4: *explains eight seasons of SpongeBob*

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If my kids were walking a tightrope over Niagara Falls, theyd find a way to do it without putting their iPads down.

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Kids sure do have a lot of energy for people whose arms are too tired to empty the dishwasher.

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Today one of my conference calls was interrupted by one of my children, sobbing & hysterical.

The crisis?

Her brother told her that her Barbies are getting divorced.

Some days I miss the office.

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Its fun when your kids favorite toy is always the one thats been missing for three years.

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Is it possible to raise latchkey kids even though you spend every waking second in the same 600 sq ft? Asking for my two children who are currently being raised by the Bumble Nums

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My kids dont just refuse to admit when theyre tired, they deny the entire concept of tiredness.

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One day youre a badass. The next youre thanking a toddler for handing you a soggy cracker.

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