the hospital sending me home with a whole baby honestly showed very poor judgement on their part

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Hear me out. A new toddler clothing line called I Dont Need Help where all of the clothing is already inside out and always backwards.

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How to keep your home clean:

1. Get your family out of the house
2. Clean
3. Never let your family back in the house

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My 10yo just told me a joke:

Q: What are a chocolate bars pronouns?

A: Her-she

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Gonna take my dad skills to work and solve every conflict with a loud, deep \"HEY!\"

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my kids homework pic.twitter.com/wCxZmledUs

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OMG I hope no one finds out I have a family.

-Teenagers

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Kids be like, I see youve just made yourself comfortable, I have prepared a list of requests for your assistance.

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no one:

absolutely no one:

my five year old: you can touch my blood if you want

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This morning my toddler informed me w great enthusiasm that when she grows up, she will drink coffee! and go to the office! And it occurs to me that were modeling some pretty grim behavior around here.

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As a parent, I was prepared for the boy to get into violent video games, but I was not prepared for him to become obsessed with a vineyard management sim called Terroir and get upset about critics slagging off his Zinfandel

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Dining out with kids is a great way to practice talking in angry whispers

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Behold, the spirit animal of every kid waking up for school after a 3-day weekend pic.twitter.com/CMTShKou1q

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One of my kids went into my bedroom with two enormous wedges of cheese. Hes eating the cheese in my bedroom right? He didnt bring a plate.

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The thirteen-year-old got a kazoo. Thoughts and prayers, please.

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Lmao pic.twitter.com/E7yAcZDsXH

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ME: please eat your sandwich

WHAT MY KID HEARS: please reverse engineer your sandwich until it looks like the earth from which it came

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I got scolded by my daughter for using punctuation in a text message.

Why, would; she! do. that?

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It takes me about three minutes to make my 5yo a peanut butter and jelly sandwich which is coincidentally the exact amount of time it takes my 5yo to decide she doesnt actually want a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.

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my son didn't know the name for a clothes hanger so I was pretty confused when he asked me for a pants hooker

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Babies recognize their mothers' voices in the womb so they can selectively block it when they're older.

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Its crazy that it took like 10 months to come up with a covid vaccine but its taken ETERNITY and still no one has come up with a sippy cup that doesnt leak.

Emily Favreau (@emilyfavreau) September 9, 2021","type":"rich","meta":{"author":"Emily Favreau","author_url":"https://twitter.com/emilyfavreau","cache_age":86400,"description":"Its crazy that it took like 10 months to come up with a covid vaccine but its taken ETERNITY and still no one has come up with a sippy cup that doesnt leak. 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