My daughter forgot her gym uniform at home. When I arrived at her school to drop it off, I realized I also forgot the uniform.

I see where she gets it from.

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Im sorry but if you come to my house and want something to drink, youre probably gonna need to get a glass from my kids room.

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ok what if youre in the school pickup line and you see a woman eating from a charcuterie board in her car, would you judge me?
i mean her would you judge her

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I asked 4 how school was and she said Freya told her to take a toy home and 4 wasnt sure but Freya said it was fine so 4 hid a toy in her pocket and brought it home and it seems Freyas recruiting her for some kind of kindergarten crime ring

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I let my toddler play with my phone today so now everything is in Spanish and I have 273 pictures of her left hand

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So lucky our kids have siblings so theyll always be there for each other, I mutter as I break up another physical fight between my daughters because they both want to be Hermione Granger for Halloween.

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10: Grandma, can you teach Mom how to make this dessert?

My mom: Oh, she already knows how to make it, sweetie.

10: No. No, she doesn't.

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take away my kids electronics for punishment? that's amateur hour. i take my kids to Lowe's for a couple hours.

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Ready for another weekend of oversharing with new mom friends at soccer and regretting it later

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I want those snacks that have 2 eyes and a scary mouth

-my 3 yo, describing pretzels

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Playing board games with your kids and deliberately trying to lose so it ends quicker is a parenting art form

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*Kidzbop song plays*

my 4yo: they were to say \"fuck\"

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One way to speed up the school pickup line is to shout, This is the line for the PTA fundraiser

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Im at a pumpkin patch with my family, is $48 a good deal for a pumpkin?

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Give a man a cup of rice, feed him for a day. Give a toddler a cup of rice, step on it for a week.

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11- I cant wait to have chemistry in High School so we can make potions and spells
Me- Unfortunately I dont think you ever received your acceptance letter for that particular school

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my children wish to inform you they will be deceased from hunger before dinner if they do not have a second after school snack

That Mom Tho (@mom_tho) October 4, 2021","type":"rich","meta":{"author":"That Mom Tho","author_url":"https://twitter.com/mom_tho","cache_age":86400,"description":"my children wish to inform you they will be deceased from hunger before dinner if they do not have a second after school snack That Mom Tho (@mom_tho) October 4, 2021\n\n","options":{"_maxwidth":{"label":"Adjust width","placeholder":"220-550, in px","value":""},"_theme":{"value":"","values":{"dark":"Use dark theme"}}},"provider_name":"Twitter","title":"That Mom Tho on 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Absolutely no one:

My kid: isnt it weird how no one ever really knows when theyre in the middle of their life

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(Watching the new James Bond Trailer)

Daughter 9: Wow. There is so much reckless driving happening here.

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Whenever another parent asks me if they should let their kid play Minecraft, I always tell them yes because I'm petty and angry and I want them to listen to their kids fight and speak gibberish and suffer as much as I do.

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My 5yo asked if I had ice cream in the house, and when I said no he glared at me with the intensity of a pint-size hypoglycemic commando and said Tomorrow you go to the store and BUY SOME

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Sorry I never responded to the text you sent; my 5-year-old just finished telling me a story that started on Friday.

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