my 4yo calls my small guitar a ukulady

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been searching for my 4 year olds dog who is lost somewhere in this house. her imaginary dog. we still havent found him. shes crying. pic.twitter.com/Y09wJ7LIQT

BigRed (@GeeSweetYeeks) October 17, 2021","type":"rich","meta":{"author":"BigRed","author_url":"https://twitter.com/GeeSweetYeeks","cache_age":86400,"description":"been searching for my 4 year olds dog who is lost somewhere in this house. her imaginary dog. we still havent found him. shes crying. pic.twitter.com/Y09wJ7LIQT BigRed (@GeeSweetYeeks) October 17, 2021\n\n","options":{"_hide_media":{"label":"Hide photos, videos, and cards","value":false},"_maxwidth":{"label":"Adjust width","placeholder":"220-550, in px","value":""},"_theme":{"value":"","values":{"dark":"Use dark theme"}}},"provider_name":"Twitter","thumbnail_height":450,"thumbnail_url":"https://pbs.twimg.com/media/FB6LsCJX0AkcHay.jpg:large","thumbnail_width":828,"title":"BigRed on 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Walked in on 10 sneaking Halloween candy and when I asked her what she's doing, she looked me dead in the eye and said, \"Practicing.\"

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My 12yo is into scary movies but complained they aren't scary enough so we just watched The Descent and wow you don't always know when you fuck up as a parent but this was a big one.

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Me: Go to bed.

5-year-old: I have to do one thing first.

Me: What?

5: Stay awake forever.

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after my son asked my daughter to play dragon ninjas i walked over and got the box of band-aids without a second thought

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6YO: My tummy hurts

Me: Must be the bag of cookies you ate

6YO: Its the other one, not my cookie tummy

Vinod Chhaproo (@Chhapiness) October 17, 2021","type":"rich","meta":{"author":"Vinod Chhaproo","author_url":"https://twitter.com/Chhapiness","cache_age":86400,"description":"6YO: My tummy hurtsMe: Must be the bag of cookies you ate6YO: Its the other one, not my cookie tummy Vinod Chhaproo (@Chhapiness) October 17, 2021\n\n","options":{"_maxwidth":{"label":"Adjust width","placeholder":"220-550, in px","value":""},"_theme":{"value":"","values":{"dark":"Use dark theme"}}},"provider_name":"Twitter","title":"Vinod Chhaproo on 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Im not saying my husband and I are scared of our teen daughter but we just rock-paper-scissored to see who has to wake her up.

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My son would like you know that he was NOT SLEEPING during the movie he was JUST LISTENING.

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My 4 year old had a meltdown this morning because she wants to move to California.

We live in California.

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My 5yo asked if she could have a brownie and I started to say no cause it was too close to dinner and she said, please your highness. So I asked her where that came from and she said matter of factly, cause youre my Queen. So anyway, shes now having brownies for dinner.

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Oh I get it, you think youre better than me cuz your kid has both shoes on.

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5 year old: MOMMY THERE'S A FLY EEK

Me: We live in Costa Rica; there are flies and more down here. You need to start getting used to that.

5 year old: Ok...is that a roach by your foot?

Me: *jumps on her shoulders* OMGWTFHSLAIEUDSOISONGOUS WHERE?!

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Coaching smart 9 y/o girls is cool. You can tell them to hold your bat like a sword or dont have spaghetti arms and you know theyre listening because they ask you, Why are you using so many metaphors?

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If by sex party you mean my wife & I getting freaky in the living room while a bin full of our kids' stuffed animals creepily watch, then yes I've been to a sex party

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You know youre a mom if you only use your iron for craft projects

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Theres an urban legend going around that one time a kid went on a 20 minute car ride without a tablet or fidget toys.

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Just when I thought my 4 year old saying cockcock instead of chocolate was bad enough, hes now started saying cocklick instead

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My daughter found out that she can type 36.2 words per minute when texting. Which is odd because she always answers my texts with \"k\".

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5: I made a mess so Im going to clean it up!

Me: *waits for Twilight Zone music to start*

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