wildest thing to me about parenting is you can call poison control and be like, \"hi, i just found my toddler with a clorox bleach pen in their mouth and it's empty. what do i do?\" and poison control is basically like, \"do they seem fine?\" like i could have called any boomer.

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Normal texts from my 11 year old. pic.twitter.com/jYFOSL88RD

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i just saw a reel that looks like a cute summer activity for an older toddler (bunch of small toys, freeze in a bowl of water, let toddler figure out how to get them out) but all I can think of is that this is exactly what they do for polar bear enrichment at our zoo

taryn (@peepsaregood) May 9, 2024","type":"rich","meta":{"author":"taryn","author_url":"https://twitter.com/peepsaregood","cache_age":86400,"description":"i just saw a reel that looks like a cute summer activity for an older toddler (bunch of small toys, freeze in a bowl of water, let toddler figure out how to get them out) but all I can think of is that this is exactly what they do for polar bear enrichment at our zoo taryn (@peepsaregood) May 9, 2024\n\n\n","options":{"_maxwidth":{"label":"Adjust width","placeholder":"220-550, in px","value":""},"_theme":{"value":"","values":{"dark":"Use dark theme"}}},"provider_name":"Twitter","title":"taryn on Twitter / 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My daughter told me I was embarrassing her and I told her to stop being so cringe and bougie and just let me just flex.

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My son just asked me how I know his name... I'm not in the mood today

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Me in 2022: when will my child talk

My child in 2024: WELL MOMMY DO YOU WANT TO KNOW WHAT I AM FINKING NOW? I AM FINKING ABOUT MR. WOGERS WENT TO THE ZOO AND SAW A PANDA. IT IS DARK. MOMMY WE SHOULD GET A WANTERN FOR OUR PORCH. AND A VERY SHORT STORY IS ONCE UPON A TIME THE END

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Modern parenting is making sure your kids say please when they ask Alexa to play something

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please send thoughts and prayers for my 9 yo. he's bored because he can't play the nintendo switch right now because we're in our tornado safe spot trying not to die tonight.

Dadman Walking (@dadmann_walking) May 9, 2024","type":"rich","meta":{"author":"Dadman Walking","author_url":"https://twitter.com/dadmann_walking","cache_age":86400,"description":"please send thoughts and prayers for my 9 yo. he's bored because he can't play the nintendo switch right now because we're in our tornado safe spot trying not to die tonight. 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People who say just move the car seat have never moved a car seat.

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6-year-old is telling me she and her bff like to play a game called Caroline and Zahara in which they pretend to be teenagers. I asked how you play and she said we pretend we have phones and we text on them and then we get into fights about the texts.

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My kid just drew on his face, so now hes going to school looking like some kind of kindergarten Post Malone

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Monday night, kids are in bed. Im curled up with a bag of veggie straws as my husband snacks on goldfish crackers. We watch this weekends SNL as weve been too tired til now. He falls asleep, remote in hand. I pretend not to watch the rest. I know, tomorrow, well try again.

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Reasons my toddlers cried this weekend:

-It stopped raining outside
-My wife asked them if they wanted to go to the playground
-I took the wrong bite of my sandwich
-I helped my 4 y/o for to many minutes

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My kids are counting down to the last day of school, and it's making me already eagerly await their first day back at school.

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My 7yo had a wellness check. The pediatrician asked if she can tie her shoes. My 7yo, \"no.\" She looked at me, \"but it's their fault because they only get me velcro shoes.\" She's the youngest of 4. I don't have time for shoe stuff. Get in the car so we're not late to practice.

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9yo: Who took my hair tie?

Me: I didnt.

9yo: I did not ask who didnt.

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So sick of these stupid videos showing incompetent dads using a vacuum cleaner to help them put a scrunchie in their daughters hair. Does anyone seriously think that dads know how to use a vacuum?

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I wish the urgent care waiting room wasn't the time and place my 6yo decided to start singing yet here we are

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12s principal: Im calling to discuss 12s attitude She told another young lady that her name suits her extremely well today.

Me: ok?

Principal: the young ladys name is Karen

Me, poorly containing laughter: Ill talk to 12.

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It's move out week at the university where I work and I saw a dad with a completely full minivan and a large pile of stuff next to it that still needed to be loaded. He let out a big sigh while staring at the pile and honestly it might be the most dad thing I've ever seen

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There was a screw in the washing machine when I switched over 7s clothes so either my washer is falling apart or 7 is hoarding screws. Not sure which is worse.

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