My 6yo has a plan to earn money for a playstation

Step 1. Find a huge diamond

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Sometimes people without kids see a mom out with her kids and are like wow she makes that look easy but not me. I come to your cookout with my children and make you say oh my GOD we are never having children

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With two weeks left of school, I decided to let the kids sit wherever they want.

The boys put all their desks in one big group and named it Fart Island.

The girls made a similar group and named it The Tortured Poets Department.

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Should I be disturbed by the way my 8-year-old daughter plays doctor? I was her patient today, and she just made me fill out forms the whole time.

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Was struggling with getting my daughter ready this morning she was catching an attitude, moving slower, and just overall mad she had to wake up. Do you know I said to myself motherhood is so hard she gon say I have 6 babies and I do it everyday so I know talking about them

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telling my baby at 2 am that I simply cannot engage in care work right now & I hope he seeks care from someone hes been a more consistent sleeper with

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School spirit days are made up holidays invented to keep Amazon Prime in business

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I'm glad my kids summer camp list of what not to pack had \"alcohol\" on there because I almost packed him a 6 pack of beer. Whew.

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6yo: How did you get mommy to date you?

Me: Because Im charming.

6yo: Oh really? She said it was because you were the least annoying.

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When I was a teenager my mom had a little mini candy stash at the very top of a cupboard that was Just For Mom and no one else was allowed to touch it and internally I was like \"wow selfish much?\" and anyway now I get it

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Things my daughter called to talk to me about this week:

- chickens are mean
- 1+1 should equal 11
- if she was an author there would be more scary stories with cats

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The best part of Fathers Day coming up is not having to worry about forgetting Mothers Day.

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the other day i was sitting in a coffee shop and started chatting with a woman & we figured out our kids attend the same preschool. i was really tired and accidentally said something over-sharey and unfiltered and she immediately sat down and we talked for 3 hours straight.

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My daughter asked, Do you ever have any regrets, Mom? And while I know she was asking this question on a philosophical level, my mind immediately went to this puffin sweater I saw in Iceland.

Its been 3 years since I saw it in a shop there, & I still regret not buying it. pic.twitter.com/pnkVePdmaB

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explain why when nothings going on my baby naps for 3 hours but when i need to work its 30 mins max

amil (@amil) June 3, 2024","type":"rich","meta":{"author":"amil","author_url":"https://twitter.com/amil","cache_age":86400,"description":"explain why when nothings going on my baby naps for 3 hours but when i need to work its 30 mins max amil (@amil) June 3, 2024\n\n\n","options":{"_maxwidth":{"label":"Adjust width","placeholder":"220-550, in px","value":""},"_theme":{"value":"","values":{"dark":"Use dark theme"}}},"provider_name":"Twitter","title":"amil on Twitter / 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[6 AM]

Child [coming out of bedroom]: Is an orange named after the color or is the color named after the fruit?

Me [rubbing temples]: it is way too early for this

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My kids said they wanted to try something new this summer so I showed them how to vacuum & do laundry.

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My kids have fun at school but the actual act of getting ready and going? They curse it with the heat of a thousand suns.

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My son turns 15 next week and I told him we should open presents at 2:12 pm because thats when he was born and he said, Thats a weird thing to keep in your memories but.whatever.

Have kids. Theyre a delight.

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My 5yo: WHEN I GROW UP I WANT TO BE A SINGER AND A DANCER AND A MUSICIAN AND A VETERINARIAN AND A PASTOR AND A TEACHER
Me: Wow! Youd be so good at
5: I WASNT DONE

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