When my 4yo woke up, she said \"I'm so excited for my party today,\" and I have no idea what she's talking about.

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Your daughter has been training the other children to cry on demand, seemingly in order to disrupt the class is among the many things that parenting books have not prepared me for

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My 3yo: Mommy, I want more chicken leaves for lunch.

Thats what she calls a chicken caesar salad.

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I showed my daughter A Bugs Life for the first time recently and this is her god now pic.twitter.com/KJglXp2Jwv

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Kids always choose the best time to ask silly questions. Youd be out at a Baptism ceremony and your kid will ask What does it mean when you do this? as they hold up their middle finger.

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My oldest son informs me that its been three weeks since he graduated high school and he still hasnt used trigonometry.

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its the babys birthday! i say happy birthday!!! he says it feels so nice to be 6 again

what do you mean sir

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Yesterday was a day that will go down in infamy in our family as The Honey Incident: the 3 year old brought a FULL container of honey to her room, opened it, and the 1.5 year old spilled the whole thing and spread it all over the room. I will be reminding them of this until I DIE

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My kid transcribed something her teacher said in class today and is it giving it to her as a gift tomorrow. pic.twitter.com/Ebj3dekord

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Its important to open your kids up to a variety of sports when theyre young. Soccer, baseball, death match wrestling their brother on the living room floor. All great options.

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[On a road trip]

Kids: Oooh a Waffle House! Can we eat there?!

Husband: Hard pass. Ive seen yall fight, and frankly, its not gonna cut it.

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End of school is wild. Just this week, my kid has brought home two notebooks I bought, four notebooks I didnt, three water bottles, 18 art projects and the lost city of Atlantis.

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My 5yo only has two modes: loud and louder

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Have teenagers so you can wake up in the morning to a random trash can inside a trash bag sitting by the back door. why.

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[At a restaurant]

Alright kids, what combination of starch and cheese are you gonna have this time

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If you have kids under the age of 6 and fun plans this summer, DO NOT tell them about the fun plans until you are literally arriving at the plans. Pulling up to the gate.

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Watching too many cooking shows like hold on kids, we need to let the chicken nuggets rest a few minutes

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Im confident the inventor of the kazoo did not have children.

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