Hello. My two-year-old child has been watching Olympic diving replays for the past half hour and every time the divers hit the water he says, \"Oh no!\"

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My son can not believe he graduated from kindergarten & he still gotta go back to schoolhe thought that shit was over

. (@prettyyae) August 20, 2024","type":"rich","meta":{"author":".","author_url":"https://twitter.com/prettyyae","cache_age":86400,"description":"My son can not believe he graduated from kindergarten & he still gotta go back to schoolhe thought that shit was over . 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school email: your child needs to buy a recorder

me: *blocked*

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My friend just sent me this Reel she saw and Im losing it pic.twitter.com/MIATUDJk68

Lucy Huber (@clhubes) August 19, 2024","type":"rich","meta":{"author":"Lucy Huber","author_url":"https://twitter.com/clhubes","cache_age":86400,"description":"My friend just sent me this Reel she saw and Im losing it pic.twitter.com/MIATUDJk68 Lucy Huber (@clhubes) August 19, 2024\n\n\n","options":{"_hide_media":{"label":"Hide photos, videos, and cards","value":false},"_maxwidth":{"label":"Adjust width","placeholder":"220-550, in px","value":""},"_theme":{"value":"","values":{"dark":"Use dark theme"}}},"provider_name":"Twitter","title":"Lucy Huber on Twitter / 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Me: We really need to be better about our language around the kids.

Husband: why?

3 year old snuggles down on the couch with a blanket: *whispers* this is cozy as fuck.

Husband: I see.

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a dad is never lost on a road trip. We're just exploring our options for the best route.

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My daughter is cooking breakfast. She knows her brother likes to crack eggs for her. She yell to him i need my little cracker boy! Me and my wife looked at each other and both said, your little cracker boy?

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My kids keep me humble. https://t.co/XP9kpIYjgl

Tim Walz (@Tim_Walz) August 20, 2024","type":"rich","meta":{"author":"Tim Walz","author_url":"https://twitter.com/Tim_Walz","cache_age":86400,"description":"My kids keep me humble. https://t.co/XP9kpIYjgl Tim Walz (@Tim_Walz) August 20, 2024\n\n\n","options":{"_hide_media":{"label":"Hide photos, videos, and cards","value":false},"_maxwidth":{"label":"Adjust width","placeholder":"220-550, in px","value":""},"_theme":{"value":"","values":{"dark":"Use dark theme"}}},"provider_name":"Twitter","title":"Tim Walz on Twitter / 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While we picnicked on the beach earlier this week, my 3yo sighed and said, \"Ah! This is the life.\" He contemplated the shoreline in silence as he ate.

After a while I asked, \"What are you thinking about?\"

Solemnly he replied, \"Finking 'bout... peanut butter honey sandwich.\"

Amy Colleen (@sewistwrites) August 23, 2024","type":"rich","meta":{"author":"Amy Colleen","author_url":"https://twitter.com/sewistwrites","cache_age":86400,"description":"While we picnicked on the beach earlier this week, my 3yo sighed and said, \"Ah! 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My kid has spent the last hour playing the video game Google Maps on her iPad so please nobody tell her.

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Hit the end of my rope on vacation and said we aren't going on another vacation until the kids are 18, and instead of that statement having any emotional impact, the kids are excitedly talking about how they're going to bring their husbands and wives and children.

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My toddler has these little stuffed animals he calls his guys and its the cutest thing before he takes a nap, hes always like I need my guys. Thats all, I used to be cool.

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My 8 year old came in to show me the dress her cousin passed down to her, she twirled around and then exclaimed and it has pockets!

I couldnt be prouder

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My wife is upset with me because she says its my fault that my toddler keeps belting out the F-word. I pointed out that it cant possibly be me, since I say the F-word in a soft tone of voice.

Totally different.

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I recently taught my kiddo how to make my iced coffee bc she loves to be involved- its always made so well & the other day something just felt off- this morning she made my coffee & while she was doing the espresso she said sometimes you need extra energy.. so I do 4 scoops

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One of my favorite parts of 2020 was when I had a baby and went out into the back alley and held him up like Simba and all the Italian grandmas on their balconies cheered

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overheard my bf explaining the count to our daughter: he is a muppet, like elmo, but his whole thing is counting. he just counts. so they call him the count. hes also a vampire.

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My autistic baby will sleep until 9:30 and get right into shenanigans. Baby said who needs a warm up when youve slept for 13 hrs.

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I asked my kid how to change a setting on my phone and she laughed. Not sure whats funny. I taught her how to use a spoon.

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It took a long 15 minutes to convince my heartbroken youngest that our local pizza place was unlikely to open at 8:10am pic.twitter.com/8ACvVDeMlO

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me: I'm not the stepfather, I'm the father that stepped up

wife: they're your biological children and you don't have to say that every time you climb a flight if stairs

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All of a sudden having second thoughts on donating. pic.twitter.com/BluEouKSn7

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I used to wonder how people ever filled up a vacuum bag and then I had kids, now I wonder how people can afford enough vacuum bags

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My son said youre pushing 50 youre not that old chill and idk if I should ground him or hug him.

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9yo: have you heard the song \"I like big butts and I cannot lie\"?

me: yes, but that song is inappropriate.

9yo: oh... so I should lie?

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My teen shut location sharing off on her phone and now I have to call my mom and apologize for causing her crippling anxiety every night from 1978-1986.

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Nobody:

My son, 8: I wish you could earn a dollar every time you eat

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