explaining to my daughter that mommy is an alto 2 and a lot of these disney songs and nursery rhymes are not in my exquisite range

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I gave my 9yo a smartwatch so he could text me in an emergency.

Today's text: a soccer ball hit me right in the nuts.

Daddy Go Fish (@daddygofish) September 16, 2024","type":"rich","meta":{"author":"Daddy Go Fish","author_url":"https://twitter.com/daddygofish","cache_age":86400,"description":"I gave my 9yo a smartwatch so he could text me in an emergency.Today's text: a soccer ball hit me right in the nuts. 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Kids will give you the biggest hug right before absolutely destroying your self-esteem in a drawing

meghan (@deloisivete) September 16, 2024","type":"rich","meta":{"author":"meghan","author_url":"https://twitter.com/deloisivete","cache_age":86400,"description":"Kids will give you the biggest hug right before absolutely destroying your self-esteem in a drawing meghan (@deloisivete) September 16, 2024\n\n\n","options":{"_maxwidth":{"label":"Adjust width","placeholder":"220-550, in px","value":""},"_theme":{"value":"","values":{"dark":"Use dark theme"}}},"provider_name":"Twitter","title":"meghan on Twitter / 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Ive had a name of my daughters friend in my phone for a year now but only listed as Addies mom and I literally have no idea what this womans name is and I talk to her all the time at school functions and birthday parties THIS is the hardest part of parenting

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I thought my attitude was so cute until I procreated a tiny replica of myself.

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The best thing about my kids' school is that anytime anyone has ever called me in the middle of the school day, as soon as I answer they say \"HiMrsMulrooneyeverythingsfine\" and save me two and a half seconds of Mom Panic.

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The fact that my kids think having cereal for dinner is a treat, is my greatest parenting win

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Went to a kids birthday party where they gave away slime and glitter glue. So Im signing up the parents as volunteers for every school event

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First rule of kids sleep is You Do Not Brag About How Well Your Kids Sleep or the Sleep Fairy will come and take the sleep away

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My 9yo did well on a test so I complimented her a few times, but my 6yo was unhappy and asked Why did you compliment her 4 times but you only complimented me 3 times when I did well on my test?

So, I turned myself in to the appropriate authorities for processing.

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That moment of panic when they invite you inside at the start of the birthday party you thought was a drop off.

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11 had attitude tonight and my wife said \"okay I'm done talking about this right now\" and his response was \"GOOD I'm glad you are\" and I left the room so he could be murdered in silence.

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I was telling a younger person about how I used to attach a club to my car's steering wheel as a way to keep it from being stolen and my pants pockets magically became filled with Werther's originals

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My kid invented a game but told me it was too complicated and I wouldn't understand. Reader, he is throwing a stuffed animal repeatedly in the air and catching it

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Love to spend $200 on groceries and then go to pack kid lunches the next day and still have no idea what Im supposed to put in there.

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