if there is a particular food you would like your children to eat less, just go buy a massive box of it at Costco

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I fell off a podium in front of 200 people after doing a reading at my uncles funeral, hobbled back to my pew with a swollen sprained ankle, sat down turned to my son and he asked me for a snack

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My brother drank a bourbon and challenged my kids to Mario Kart. My kids are about to learn how annoying it is to lose to my brother when he's drunk.

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My 6yo fell and got a big bump on his forehead, so he's right on schedule for school picture day

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The pediatrician: What do you eat at your house?
My 5yo: MOSTLY NACHOS
Me: I mean, that's not ALL we eat, hon.
5yo: YOU ARE RIGHT. WE ALSO EAT COSTCO PIZZA

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I love when my kids get along and play nicely together and are so kind to each other. Its the best 60 seconds of my day.

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A mom complimented my dress, so I did what I was supposed to do and told her where I got it. But then her friend rolled her eyes and said, look whos name dropping, and I dont understand what just happened here.

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Ive spent a small fortune on my kids through the years.

My son bought me a $1 coke at McDonalds & would like to be immediately paid back.

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My husband just got a new job so he got sent some COBRA forms in the mail.

Husband: We dont actually need COBRA, though, my health insurance already started.

4yo: YES WE DO NEED A COBRA

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4yo walked in the house after school, dropped her pants, sighed like she just finished a 9-5, and then spent the afternoon lounging on the couch in her underwear. Guess shes ready for adulthood.

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\"Ai is coming for your job\" I'd like to see Ai quit a paid gig to take care of its tiny Ai offspring and cry every day

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The tenth circle of hell is swimming birthday parties that require the parents in the pool.

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I hate when my kid uses my words against me, like when I make dinner and she wont eat it even though its delicious, and then she lectures me on how different people have different tastes

Real Life Mommy (@reallifemommy3) September 24, 2024","type":"rich","meta":{"author":"Real Life Mommy","author_url":"https://twitter.com/reallifemommy3","cache_age":86400,"description":"I hate when my kid uses my words against me, like when I make dinner and she wont eat it even though its delicious, and then she lectures me on how different people have different tastes Real Life Mommy (@reallifemommy3) September 24, 2024\n\n\n","options":{"_maxwidth":{"label":"Adjust width","placeholder":"220-550, in px","value":""},"_theme":{"value":"","values":{"dark":"Use dark theme"}}},"provider_name":"Twitter","title":"Real Life Mommy on Twitter / 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Thinking about when I got to the hospital to give birth and the doctor asked when the contractions started and I said \"11:48\" and he laughed and said \"Wow, so specific. 11:48 and how many seconds?\" and I'm just saying that man is lucky to be alive.

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All dads know you never call in an order for Mexican takeout. You go there, sit at the bar, place your order, and enjoy a beer in peace.

Simon Holland (@simoncholland) September 21, 2024","type":"rich","meta":{"author":"Simon Holland","author_url":"https://twitter.com/simoncholland","cache_age":86400,"description":"All dads know you never call in an order for Mexican takeout. You go there, sit at the bar, place your order, and enjoy a beer in peace. 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My grandparents had the coolest sayings like youre the bees knees and then my kids are like dont be so skibidi toilet rizz.

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My 6yo is now spelling long words, so I jokingly asked if she could spell Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious and I played the song on Alexa. When she heard it, she told Alexa to stop the music, just to ask me How old are you?

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parenting book: organization is the key

my wife: *starts alphabetizing the wine*

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If I ever cant find my kids, Ill just go sit on the toilet, theyre guaranteed to find me there.

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my teenagers' vibe can be best explained as 'selective hearing' meets 'endless appetite' with a dash of 'I know everything' seasoning.

Dadman Walking (@dadmann_walking) September 25, 2024","type":"rich","meta":{"author":"Dadman Walking","author_url":"https://twitter.com/dadmann_walking","cache_age":86400,"description":"my teenagers' vibe can be best explained as 'selective hearing' meets 'endless appetite' with a dash of 'I know everything' seasoning. 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