Goddaughter asked me my age. I said 28 and she said thats really young. Why do you have a job? It sounds like youre too small to do that. I agree

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meeting someone with psychedelically bad conversation skills is such a joy because it forces you to reach deep into your soul and articulate something you never knew was there, for instance, \"So how long have you had an iphone\"

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Sometimes Ill run into a friends husband and think to myself, bro you have no idea how hard Ive worked to help save your marriage.

emily (@emilykmay) August 9, 2023","type":"rich","meta":{"author":"emily","author_url":"https://twitter.com/emilykmay","cache_age":86400,"description":"Sometimes Ill run into a friends husband and think to myself, bro you have no idea how hard Ive worked to help save your marriage. emily (@emilykmay) August 9, 2023\n\n","options":{"_maxwidth":{"label":"Adjust width","placeholder":"220-550, in px","value":""},"_theme":{"value":"","values":{"dark":"Use dark theme"}}},"provider_name":"Twitter","title":"emily on 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had a pilot named Ken yesterday and he introduced himself by saying his job is plane

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whats something i can do besides get married where i can be the center of attention and everyone cries and tells me how beautiful i am

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https://t.co/AZ4gNAs52f pic.twitter.com/8i7xALBaqT

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cant believe I have one wild & precious life and Im spending it terrified to answer an email

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did mdma by myself last night trying to heal my inner child and the only life-changing realisation i had was that Fireflies by Owl City is the best song of all time

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Opened closet in hotel to check for murderers while simultaneously realizing I was unprepared should one be in there.

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Companies when you place an order and uncheck the box for promotional emails pic.twitter.com/XNHPnqqVBr

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really enjoyed the polite way old people would call you weird as a child. You march to the beat of your own drum hell yea i do

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How it feels to be in boarding group 5 pic.twitter.com/hfP5wL4mSh

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me: do that thing i like

him: stops blocking the kitchen drawer i need to get into

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i hate my instagram explore page pic.twitter.com/zKoLl1ouob

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youre gonna regret getting all those tattoos they will surely pale in comparison to the other things i will regret

trash jones (@jzux) August 9, 2023","type":"rich","meta":{"author":"trash jones","author_url":"https://twitter.com/jzux","cache_age":86400,"description":"youre gonna regret getting all those tattoos they will surely pale in comparison to the other things i will regret trash jones (@jzux) August 9, 2023\n\n","options":{"_maxwidth":{"label":"Adjust width","placeholder":"220-550, in px","value":""},"_theme":{"value":"","values":{"dark":"Use dark theme"}}},"provider_name":"Twitter","title":"trash jones on 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saw this pic of lily rose depp on the tl and im in awe of her muppet shadow pic.twitter.com/V2Up4ewENx

vivian (@blewmarine) August 8, 2023","type":"rich","meta":{"author":"vivian","author_url":"https://twitter.com/blewmarine","cache_age":86400,"description":"saw this pic of lily rose depp on the tl and im in awe of her muppet shadow pic.twitter.com/V2Up4ewENx vivian (@blewmarine) August 8, 2023\n\n","options":{"_hide_media":{"label":"Hide photos, videos, and cards","value":false},"_maxwidth":{"label":"Adjust width","placeholder":"220-550, in px","value":""},"_theme":{"value":"","values":{"dark":"Use dark theme"}}},"provider_name":"Twitter","title":"vivian on 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When I told my course director I was pregnant and needed to defer the dissertation, this one lecturer overheard and snorted and said yeah, youre not going to come back and finish. no way.

she did not realise that I am motivated entirely by spite

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nah i get why chefs have huge egos whenever i make something from scratch it makes me wanna lift car

Sydney Battle (@SydneyBattle) August 10, 2023","type":"rich","meta":{"author":"Sydney Battle","author_url":"https://twitter.com/SydneyBattle","cache_age":86400,"description":"nah i get why chefs have huge egos whenever i make something from scratch it makes me wanna lift car Sydney Battle (@SydneyBattle) August 10, 2023\n\n","options":{"_maxwidth":{"label":"Adjust width","placeholder":"220-550, in px","value":""},"_theme":{"value":"","values":{"dark":"Use dark theme"}}},"provider_name":"Twitter","title":"Sydney Battle on 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Girls who lived in houses like this were allowed to cuss their moms out https://t.co/xJeVxxz0En

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When I say lets do something casual, I mean lets wear pajamas, pull our cars up next to each other in an empty parking lot, and catch up through our rolled down windows.

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having a boyfriend is so educational pic.twitter.com/gCLRnaF0lx

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strict parents dont know how to cope with having an adult child so they have to make up problems. four years ago someone found my wallet outside and dropped it off at a precinct. the police called to return it. to this day my mother refers to it as my run in with the police

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my chicago ass thought this was deepdish https://t.co/jJscVIOICR

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please stop asking me to send a calendar invite. i do not know what that means. the calendar invite was me asking you to do the thing. you manage your own little calendar, babe.

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someone in my crochet group posted these photos asking if this was too much yarn to take on a 3 day camping trip & everyone said no pic.twitter.com/3DVFzX2dLL

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Sometimes I wanna tell Twitter about something nice my husband did but then I remember that lady who got dragged for saying she liked sitting in the garden talking to her husband.

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My most old person instinct is to dislike when restaurants swear in their signage. Pizza that will make you say: Shut the fuck up ! Why are you yelling at me

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girl in the stall next to me just dropped her purse and a shit ton of blueberries just rolled right out pic.twitter.com/5Ehm9XNsjD

miss piggy apologist (@liIpochaco) August 6, 2023","type":"rich","meta":{"author":"miss piggy apologist","author_url":"https://twitter.com/liIpochaco","cache_age":86400,"description":"girl in the stall next to me just dropped her purse and a shit ton of blueberries just rolled right out pic.twitter.com/5Ehm9XNsjD miss piggy apologist (@liIpochaco) August 6, 2023\n\n","options":{"_hide_media":{"label":"Hide photos, videos, and cards","value":false},"_maxwidth":{"label":"Adjust width","placeholder":"220-550, in px","value":""},"_theme":{"value":"","values":{"dark":"Use dark theme"}}},"provider_name":"Twitter","title":"miss piggy apologist on 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I need you guys to understand that there was a 12 year old girl beside me who sang every single song with the most guttural scream Ive ever heard. She was singing tolerate it like shes been divorced 3 times Ill think about her forever

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I didnt think I wanted to be a Supreme Court Justice but the lifestyle sounds amazing

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at a certain point in my insomnia, i become more powerful than you could possibly imagine. i could crush a car with my brain right now. i could eat a whole sandwich with no drink.

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yelling sing, my angel of music to the frog loudly croaking outside my window

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Me when something good happens: I should have a snack.

Me when something bad happens: I should have a snack.

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