candlestick holders are so expensive like I really understand why robbers are always putting them in their bags first

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chris martin looks like a toddler named Rydyr at a pre-school that costs $50,000 a year pic.twitter.com/pijohbFnDj

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Im such a fucking wet wipe. A bloke was just trying to break into my car when I walked back to it and I said excuse me, sorry, I think thats my car

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we need a better word for horny that sounds elegant and gorgeous

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This week in the family group text, I had to tell my parents what raw dogmeans - both literally and figuratively, as my bro casually said he raw dogged his flight by not taking meds. Now my parents keep saying they raw dogged stuff. My mom said she raw dogged 3 births.

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You dont know who Bonnie Raitt is but you love Taylor Swift?? Learn your sad girl song history! Bonnie has been making us weep in the middle of a Nordstrom Rack for decades. DECADES!

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instead of meal prepping on sundays, have u considered taking an impromptu and cost ineffective trip to the grocery store every single day of the week?

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Its shocking how many times a day I think of texting my puppy.

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I wish the IRS would just take my money instead of tormenting me with their fucked up riddles

I would prefer not to (lolennui@mstdn.social) (@lolennui) February 7, 2023","type":"rich","meta":{"author":"I would prefer not to (lolennui@mstdn.social)","author_url":"https://twitter.com/lolennui","cache_age":86400,"description":"I wish the IRS would just take my money instead of tormenting me with their fucked up riddles I would prefer not to (lolennui@mstdn.social) (@lolennui) February 7, 2023\n\n","options":{"_maxwidth":{"label":"Adjust width","placeholder":"220-550, in px","value":""},"_theme":{"value":"","values":{"dark":"Use dark theme"}}},"provider_name":"Twitter","title":"I would prefer not to (lolennui@mstdn.social) on 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i want to go to there pic.twitter.com/8ffha2EsuX

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do young people know that Teen Spirit was a deodorant

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It finally happened: someone asked me where the library was in Spanish. Ive been training for this since high school.

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greenpoint father asked me for my number this morning for babysitting or a drink. what in the hbo original series

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The annoying thing about being a woman is you have to wear your makeup every day, or never. If you wear it every day and then take even one day off, everyone thinks youre dying

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A man on 5B of Delta flight 0689 just clipped his finger nails onto me and this may be my last communication as a free woman.

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Dating profiles are a little like job postings in that if I see a specific one all the time Im like oh, there must be a lot of turn over in this role

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gotta apologize to male authors because I just walked down the stairs and it turns out my chest did actually breast boobily

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Motherhood is when your kid asks you very loudly in a very crowded hair salon mom, whats a virgin? And as youre trying to figure out how to answer that question at all, let alone in public, he then asks just as loudly are you a virgin?

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get a room omg!!! pic.twitter.com/y3vG8Vj6wK

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do people who use their cars bluetooth to take phone calls know the people outside the car can hear every single word lol

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i be like \"omg, i have so much to do\" and lay down

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Deeply haunted by a study that found human beings are *less than 50% accurate* in determining whether they are being flirted with.

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Dentists be like, The earliest we can get you in is today at 1 or a Tuesday afternoon 6 months from now.

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Hard to imagine a better first question to ask a Hinge match. pic.twitter.com/ePaobK9r80

Grace Safarik (@g_safarik) February 4, 2023","type":"rich","meta":{"author":"Grace Safarik","author_url":"https://twitter.com/g_safarik","cache_age":86400,"description":"Hard to imagine a better first question to ask a Hinge match. pic.twitter.com/ePaobK9r80 Grace Safarik (@g_safarik) February 4, 2023\n\n","options":{"_hide_media":{"label":"Hide photos, videos, and cards","value":false},"_maxwidth":{"label":"Adjust width","placeholder":"220-550, in px","value":""},"_theme":{"value":"","values":{"dark":"Use dark theme"}}},"provider_name":"Twitter","thumbnail_height":595,"thumbnail_url":"https://pbs.twimg.com/media/FoJYWc7XEAIzGdy.jpg:large","thumbnail_width":1170,"title":"Grace Safarik on 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Haha cool what the fuck are those products tho pic.twitter.com/QB5ghG3cIB

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omg I saw a real life meet cute at Trader Joes. they bumped into each other then made a joke then started shopping together !!!!! a few minutes later I turned down frozens and one of them said ok where to next and then they went to snacks!!!!!!!

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can i please just sit on the edge of a crescent moon like once in my life

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