Dog owners will pick names like max or bailey and cat owners will literally name their cat beef stroganoff

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Just listened to my dad try to explain my dissertation to the rest of my family and I now understand why hearsay is inadmissible in court.

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notice how we say man whenever were disappointed

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boomers think theyre texting on the sly, then you glance at their phone and its like barbs a bitch in 25pt font

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are you http? because Im :// without you

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the fedex guy just waved to me from his truck and yelled nothing for u today!! and it felt particularly bleak

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don't let the media lie to you panic attacks count as cardio

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just realized Im gonna have to make good on a lot of after were vaccinated talk in the very near future oh well time to leave the country I guess

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thinking about how many times ive probs been killed in fuck marry kill

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the ten plagues are a classic example of a union escalation plan

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cant wait to put fully vaccinated on my dating profiles like an adoptable dog

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D was probably like lmao ok when they named the alphabet the ABCs

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whenever i plug in a USB its like okay woman in STEM vibes

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The fact that Stanley Tucci is so fine despite his name being Stanley only underpins the power of his fineness and yes Ive had 3 wines send tweet.

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cleaning your glasses be like changing from 360p to 1080p

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ill be like long story short then still tell an entire fully detailed story

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Sorry Im late I sat in my bed in a towel for 45 minutes staring at the wall

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You ever just be on your computer checking email and then pick up your phone...to check your email?

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Driving through the Midwest is just absolute nothingness and then every 70 miles you see GOD IS REAL / HELL IS REAL TOO followed by a sign for a store that sells XXL dildos

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The Popeyes chicken sandwich thing was really chaotic why were yall acting like that

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