Marriage is full of highs, lows and a whole bunch of ordinary moments in between. Somehow the married people on X, formerly known as Twitter, continue to find humor in the minutiae of wedded life.
Every week, we round up the funniest marriage tweets on the platform. Read on for 20 relatable ones that will have you laughing in agreement.
Marriage tip: If your wife says its ok for you to go out on a guys night while she stays with the kids, bring back something juicy for her to enjoy and feast on, like gossip.
— My Life As Dad (@milifeasdad) April 12, 2024
My husband has some nerve commenting on my grey hair like he isnt the cause at least half of them
— Mommeh Dearest (@mommeh_dearest) April 11, 2024
Wife [at a hotel]: Did you sleep ok without me? I never sleep when you're not in bed with me.
— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) April 13, 2024
Me [fully rested after 10 hrs of uninterrupted sleep]: No omg so tired.
I once asked my mother-in-law when she knew my husband was gay and she said, "oh honey. That boy came out of the womb and the closet at the same time."
— Eli McCann (@EliMcCann) April 9, 2024
One day you're young and in love; next thing you know, twenty years have passed, and your husband has started listening to yacht rock.
— Stabbatha Christy (@LoveNLunchmeat) April 13, 2024
my husband thinks i accepted his apology but wait until he sees that i rearranged the tool shed
— nika (@nikalamity) April 11, 2024
I was at a craft fair yesterday and I overheard a man say to his wife in a tone that conveyed no less than 6 emotions, Please no more potholders.
— Mary (@AnniemuMary) April 14, 2024
I dont need google I have a wife.
— Dad Named Matt (@mahnamematt) April 12, 2024
Rule #27 of marriage is clear: Dessert that is mine is only mine; dessert that is his is also mine.
— sixfootcandy (@sixfootcandy) April 9, 2024
no matter how many examples that my wife keeps pointing out, I refuse to believe my kids get their stubborness from me
— Dad Moon Rising (@raoulvilla) April 12, 2024
I told my next door neighbor yesterday that my husband just had me plant our 24th tree in our small yard and he gasped and gave me a look like he was a safe space if I needed help.
— Eli McCann (@EliMcCann) April 11, 2024
My wife deleted social media off her phone which has actually been great for my productivity because now she does all her scrolling on my phone
— Average Dad (@Average_Dad1) April 12, 2024
Yes its all about balance in a marriage. My husband listens to me talk with his headphones on and I fall asleep whilst hes talking to me.
— Late to the party Laura (@ericamorecambe) April 11, 2024
My wife said she'd leave me if I didn't stop using terrible similes, but like a pigeon breakdancing, I couldn't stop.
— F NF (@sofarrsogud) April 10, 2024
This morning I watched my husband do his hair in the time it took me to put in a single contact lens in case youre wondering what gender disparity is bothering me today.
— Jennifer Parker (@Mrs_JParker) April 10, 2024
We keep a calendar in the kitchen for social commitments, My husband just yelled, WHO IS KATIE? I said, A high school friend I havent seen in 20 years. Shes hosting a party this Sunday 4-6. Youre going to love her!
— Lady Lawya (@Parkerlawyer) April 9, 2024
Husband, a tear in his eye, whispered, No. #themasters
my husband told me that i kept making really irritated expressions when he would say things and he was like "good lord WHY do you look so annoyed??????" and it was then that i realized that my botox has worn off
— emily (@emilykmay) April 9, 2024
the key to a successful marriage is telling your partner to remind you of important information before they tell you to remind them so when you both forget you can blame the other person
— Dad Moon Rising (@raoulvilla) April 9, 2024
When you first meet you cant stop staring into each others eyes. 15 years on and you cant believe your eyes as your husband tries eating a potato thats too hot for his mouth.
— Late to the party Laura (@ericamorecambe) April 15, 2024
My wifes love language is rage cleaning our home.
— Dadof2Boys (@Dadof2crazyboys) April 12, 2024
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