Kids may say the darndest things, but parents tweet about them in the funniest ways. Although Twitter has rebranded to X , the humor lives on.
Every week, we round up the most hilarious quips from parents on the social media platform to spread the joy. Scroll down to read the latest batch, and follow @HuffPostParents for more!
What is the most backhanded parenting compliment you ever received? Mine was awww I love that they will sit and watch TV! I wish my kids would do that. I am desperate for a break. But they have never even seen a screen, they wouldnt know what to do with one!
— girl fieri (@realgirl_fieri) March 4, 2024
See you when you get home from school, I whisper to my kids apple
— Mom Jeans (@momjeansplease) March 7, 2024
Today my kid pointed to this thing and said dada! Dont think Ill ever recover from this one pic.twitter.com/PBRezk88Np
— Average Dad (@Average_Dad1) March 4, 2024
waiter: "anything to drink?"
— Henpecked Hal (@HenpeckedHal) March 6, 2024
4 year old: "my mom needs a fucking margarita"
So, yeah, they're always listening.
My 14 YO lmk that all she wants for her bday is for me to take her & 3 friends for a weekend in an airbnb w/ a hot tub in the mountains w/ for 2 nights. She only wants to order dinner 2 nights & for me to bring our gel nail manicure stuff so I can do all their nails. Thats all.
— Irreverent Reverend (@TheAmberPicota) March 4, 2024
My 2 yo was sleeping and her bonnet was looking lumpy. I investigated and she had a tangerine hidden in her bonnet. pic.twitter.com/94xJ0gbuWE
— Princess (@themultiplemom) March 6, 2024
My daughter, who fights me to do her hair every morning, said she wished there was a hole you could stick your hair into and someone magically makes you a ponytail every day.
— That Mom Tho (@mom_tho) March 4, 2024
A glory hole for hair.
My 6yo told me he was making bookmarks, and I didn't realize that involved eating chocolates so he could use the wrappers, but now I think he's onto something
— meghan (@deloisivete) March 6, 2024
"Since you're DIVORCED and don't have a BOYFRIEND you should get married to _______'s dad so me and ________ can be sisters"
— stargyal (@beequammie) March 6, 2024
- my 6yo introducing me to her friend's dad at school drop off pic.twitter.com/asHL3MF02L
The old lady ringing me up at the store got frustrated w/ the barcode on my cheese not working so she just gave it to me for freeshe is now sole beneficiary of my Will
— DonutHawk (@StruggleDisplay) March 6, 2024
I really enjoy bringing my kid to sports practices. It's fun to watch somebody else yell his name and be totally ignored for a change.
— Blue Berrymore (@BerrymoreBlue) March 5, 2024
Toddlers are trying to kill themselves and everything else. Including you. Newborns just want to eat and have dry butts. https://t.co/FmXT4L49hJ
— Mikki Kendall (@Karnythia) March 6, 2024
Not me lying here scrolling my phone, unable to fall asleep after lecturing my kid that she cant be on screens before bedtime or shell never fall asleep
— Real Life Mommy (@reallifemommy3) March 6, 2024
Three teenage girls outside the chemist discussing if they really had to get one of them the morning after pill. I consider asking them if they want me to, but decide its an overstep. Then toddler has a nice big tantrum and they decide its not worth the risk, in they go.
— Rebecca Reid (@RebeccaCNReid) March 4, 2024
As a parent, nothing prepares you for that first time your potty-training toddler declares I want to do it myself and sits down naked on the floor of a 7/11 bathroom to put their pants on.
— Upside Dad (@UpsideDad) March 4, 2024
No one:
— Amy Colleen (@sewistwrites) March 4, 2024
Absolutely no one:
No one at all:
My 3yo: "Mommy! Let's make bewieve. You be a whale, and I will be a car who is NOT OBEYING THE SPEED LIMIT!"
My kids always want cheeseburgers at dinner. Tonight we made cheeseburgers. They did not want cheeseburgers. Screw kids dude.
— Dadman Walking (@dadmann_walking) March 5, 2024
A thing about me: I don't need any Girl Scout Cookies, but if a 9-year-old knocks on my door all by herself, with her dad waiting back at the sidewalk with a wagon, and braves her pitch through her fear...
— Courtney Ellis (@courtneyellis) March 5, 2024
well, we have some Thin Mints now, is what I'm saying.
My daughter brought a giant stack of plates and cups out of her room, saw that I was annoyed, and said should we just throw these away?
— Katie D (@KatieDeal99) March 6, 2024
Every night my kids play this fun game called who will go to urgent care before bedtime.
— @itssherifield (@itssherifield) March 6, 2024
"HAM-nesia! I have HAM-nesia cuz I forgot how much I love ham!" my 7yo declared and now I desperately want to work "hamnesia" into regular conversation
— Lil Bit (@LizerReal) March 5, 2024
Me: goodnight, stop procrastinating
— I Hide From My Kids (@IHideFromMyKids) March 7, 2024
8yo: whats procrastinating?
Me: stalling
8yo: whats stalling?
Me: its when youoh youre good
My job as a father is to purchase a broken old car, put it into my garage, and force my children to deal with it when I die.
— Adam (@YSylon) March 4, 2024
mom! It's spirit week and each day we dress in a diff-
— Midge (@mxmclain) March 7, 2024
me: You can do pajama day
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Our journalists will continue to cover the twists and turns during this historic presidential election. With your help, we'll bring you hard-hitting investigations, well-researched analysis and timely takes you can't find elsewhere. Reporting in this current political climate is a responsibility we do not take lightly, and we thank you for your support.
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