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Funny Tweets

"Every day is Prime Day when youre married to my wife."
"A funny thing about quarantining is hearing your partner in full work mode for the first time. Like, Im married to a 'lets circle back' guy who knew?"
"Another week?? Right after we JUST had one?? Okay... not sold on all that but Ill give it a shot I guess."
"It's weird how we tell kids not to lie then tell them how good the picture they drew is."
"I tell my toddler to 'ask nicely' and instead of saying please he whispers his demands and I'm not even sure that he's wrong."
"I had no idea that so much of my married life would be spent rearranging the dishwasher."
"Welcome to parenthood. Your refrigerator is now a graveyard of your kids half-finished drinks."
"Introverts be like: How rude of you not to invite me to something I didn't want to go."
"My husband wants to make cauliflower crust pizza so now I have to run to the grocery store and find a new husband."
"Zac Efron is dating a 25 year old waitress he met while she was working. Its so hard to see someone else living your dream."