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Funny Tweets

"No one is as obnoxiously well-behaved as a child whose sibling is getting yelled at."
"More like detachment parenting am I right?!?"
"People who say 'enjoy every moment' have never sat next to my kids eating chips."
"I just think if I chewed lava quick enough it wouldnt be too bad."
"It takes an entire villages whiskey to raise a child."
"Writers be like 'this character will be...a writer.'"
"In our marriage we keep the magic alive by plucking each others rogue ear and chin hairs."
"Shoutout to everybody who already burped into their own face via mask."