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Funny Tweets

"Shazam, but to tell my mother who every single person she sees on TV is."
"Yeah I guess I dont love that the cool ass music I used to listen to in high school is now in medication commercials."
"I don't need to be rich. I just don't want to have to think twice before renting a cart at Aldi."
"Marriage is just practicing restraint while your spouse talks through your favorite shows."
"Having a roommate is like being a detective and all your mysteries have one suspect."
Many men have joked and griped about their hair loss experience on Twitter.
"we did not go through 300 MILLION YEARS OF EVOLUTION to have an egg just roll around on a f*cking plate"