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"My daughter just called a cemetery a person garden. I'm not even sure what she thinks is happening there."
"You cant call it 'pandemic' unless its from the Pandemic region of France, otherwise its just Sparkling Flu."
"Sorry we're late, my husband had to drive around the parking lot 5 times till he found a spot he liked."
"You wouldn't know a joke if one raised you," snaps senator.
"Ive never been held hostage, but I have gotten trapped in my own sports bra while getting undressed."
"My wife and I have taken four photos together in the last two years, meanwhile we have 93 photos of our dog sleeping since last week."
"Has anyone ever bought your kid a whistle? You might be entitled to financial compensation."
"The capital of Boman Irani is Bmuscat Tehrani."