10 Commandments of Dating...

I have a different philosophy when it comes to dating and relationships. Im not looking for the one because I believe there is value and lessons to be learned from each relationship in whatever capacity for however long it lasts. Admittedly, this line of thinking does get me into trouble at times. I tend to be a very passionate person, I dont hold back as society typically expects of us. I share my feelings when I feel them, I dont wait for the right time. This is something were taught never to do, because we believe we give up our power when were honest about our feelings, but what if there is power in honesty? What if there is a power in being completely authentic no matter how messy?

The right man will recognize and validate your feelings, no matter the circumstances. He will see you, not what youre going through. He will value your emotions and your perspective. If he doesnt, move on. Maybe youre not ready or maybe he isnt, but if he cannot value you now, when things are fresh and exciting, when youre the most attractive to him, he will never value you.

Its with this in mind that I share the realness of dating Ive learned over the past year, from a womens perspective in an age of dating when things are vague, confusing and more often than not, lies. Lies to each other and lies to ourselves.

So, lets get real about the commandments of dating as a single women in this day and age.

1.) Dont take it to heart:

Men say lots of things, the motives vary. Sometimes, they mean what they say in the moment and tomorrow their emotional state completely changes. Sometimes, they just want to get you into bed. The point is, it aint real until its real. Dont take pillow talk too seriously.

2.) Online Dating = Boredom:

So, youre talking to this guy you vibe really well with online. Things are progressing and suddenly, poof, they ghost out on you. Dont take it personally. Most men are just passing the time on these dating apps. Dont get me wrong, there are exceptions to the rule, but they are few and far between.

3.) Youre Crazy, But For Good Reason:

Dating is an emotional roller coaster and men dont make it any easier by sending mixed messages and giving false impressions. Trust your intuition. You may be made to feel like your feelings are not valid or that youre reading into things, but ultimately, if something feels off, it probably is.

4.) Hearing Is Not Listening:

People will tell you who they are if you listen. The problem is, we tend to hear them and not listen. They tell us how theyve treated and interacted with other women in the past, we shouldnt expect to be different. We tell ourselves that WE are special and WE will be different, but the truth is, he is telling you what to expect. Believe him.

5.) Ghosting = Emotional Immaturity

No one likes an open ended ending. We want answers. We want to know where things went wrong and how we can do them differently. We blame ourselves for others not having the emotional maturity to simply state the facts. A txt will do fine, but if a guy completely disappears on you, write him off. Its not about you. If a man cannot have the emotional maturity to end things like an adult, thats on him. Equally important, if you do not have the emotional maturity to end things (even if it was only one date) you may have some soul searching to do. I dont care what is socially acceptable these days, this is just plane common curtesy.

6.) Accept When Its Over

Often times, we have an amazing connection with someone and we want so badly to believe that this means something. It does to a certain extent, its an opportunity for growth. However, if hes not chasing you, if there is zero effort being put forth, its over, move on. Dont dwell on what you could have done different or how to make him want you. Youre worth more than that, cut your losses, learn your lessons and get the hell out. Nothing is worse than when we put ourselves through emotional turmoil over someone who is already detached.

7) Great First Dates Mean Nothing:

You went out, you had an amazing time, you think this is going to be great. Then you never hear from him again or he skirts making new plans, let it go. Im sure you both had an amazing time, but either he isnt that interested or he is too busy playing the field to make you a priority. Aint nobody got time for that. Cut him loose.

8.) Sex Is Negotiable Emotionally:

Ok, we all know that (many) women become more emotional when sex is involved. So, we take on the responsibility of whitholding sex until we feel like there is a legitamate connection. Frankly, that is a crappy obligation to have, but it does protect our emotional state within the realtionship. I dont totally disagree with this. However, I will say that Ive also known many happy couples who had sex on the first date. I think its important for women to embrace their sexuality and have sex when they feel they want to. Not according to some timeline that society says we have to adhere to. However, be prepared to deal with the outcomes if youre sleeping with someone who doesnt value you beyond sex. We cannot expect for men to treat us differently simply because we entered into this physical realm, men have all kinds of views on sex. If its important to you, have the discussion beforehand. Know what youre getting in bed with, literally. Keep in mind how he has treated sex in the past. Does he have a lot of sex buddies or women hes still trying to sleep with beyond you? Just be prepared to potentially be added to this list. You are special, so act like it. Do what you want and own it.

9.) Excuses Be Gone:

Hes too busy for a date. You dont hear from him for days. Your interactions are lacking true connection. He only sees you for sex. Red flags ladies. Bottom line, if he values you, he will make time. He will be interested in seeing you, talking to you regularly, getting to know you. If you only hear from him when he wants something (sex, a date, bored conversation) he is not chasing you.

If hes not chasing you, you better run.

10.) Know Thyself:

To be honest, I struggle with this. Each relationship or date is another chance to get to know ourselves a little better, but the trick is to notice how youre reacting to situations emotionally. You have to ask yourself where its coming from. Is it intuition? Is it past trauma you havent dealt with? Everyone brings their own shit to the table, know your shit, deal with it and make sure he has too. Otherwise, youll just continue the cycle.

Bottom Line

Its not all fire and brimstone out there girls, there are plenty of amazing men, but we have to get real about things. We have to take back control and see things how they really are. If a man isnt showing you that he recognizes your value or if you feel yourself compromising yourself, youve learned all you need to learn from this person. Take those lessons and hit the road. There a million men in this world, find one who treats you the way you deserve to be treated. Dont settle for games. There are lessons to be learned in every date, boyfriend and even marriage. The key is to recognize when youve learned all you need, takes notes, grow and then seek out your next lesson. Its a beautiful process, which is only helping us to know ourselves better, if we let it.