3 Things to Look At If Your Relationship Feels Smothered

Relationships can be great and many people put a lot of work and effort into finding that certain someone. Once youre in a relationshipespecially if youve spent a good deal of time singleyou may be concerned that youre going to lose yourself in that relationship. Here are a few things to consider if this sounds like you.

1. Avoiding Yourself

If youre feeling smothered in a relationship an important first step is to look at if that smothering is serving a purpose. Is spending all that time with the other person making it easier to avoid something about yourself? The basic reason we engage in all kinds of negative behavior, from drug addictions to binge watching Hulu, is to avoid certain feelings.

Maybe the feeling is a deep sadness, maybe shame, perhaps its loneliness. One of the most important parts of therapy is looking underneath all the thoughts, behaviors, and activities we engage in to mask those uncomfortable, scary, or deeply unsatisfied feelings. If you find yourself smothered in your relationshipeven if youre the one doing the smotheringits worth looking at what having that person with you 24/7 is keeping your from examining more fully.

What might their constant presence be providing the anesthesia for?

2. When Stuck is a Choice

A LOT of people come to therapy feeling stuck. Its a word that just about all of my clients have used at one time or another. Whether its a man who hates his roommate, a father who is overwhelmed with having a child, or a woman who is struggling with her relationshipmany feel they are boxed in.

Sometimes people are such as when they cannot get out of a situation for safety reasons and Im not diminishing that. But Ive found that when someone tells me they are stuck it often means that they are unwilling to deal with the outcome of their making a choice. A choice to open themselves up towait for ituncertainty. The unknown of being alone, of losing a job, of couch surfing. And even these are somewhat extremes. Many people in relationships feel stuck because if they express how they feel then their partner will react. Maybe that person will cry. Maybe theyll become angry and express that by withdrawing or bringing up negative historical events between the two of you. And youre not sure if you want to deal with that.

Im not saying that this isnt difficult. It can be devastating. But its important to hold on to the idea that what youre labeling as stuck is more of your attempts to avoidfor lack of a better wordunpleasantness.

Maybe knowing this youll still choose not to do anything or choose not to bring up that thing thats eating away at you, but you take the first few steps toward being more empowered by knowing youre making a decision to stay where you are. Youre not actually stuck. You dont really like the outcome of making a move.

And I cant stress enough how Im not talking about situations of Domestic Violence, whether physical, emotional, or mental. If this is the situation youre in, before doing anything, please get in touch with Safe Horizons via their hotline (800-621-HOPE) or website .

3. How Did You Learn What It Means to be In Relationship with Someone?

While we all collectively think we know what love will be like because of the media weve been consuming since, well, for some of us, since pre-natal days, our real understandingand expectationscomes via the love that we witnessed every day during our formative years. No matter how many episodes of The Brady Bunch or MarriedWith Children you grew up with, the platform for how people in love respond to each other comes from what you live at home. Even growing up in a single parent home doesnt mean that you didnt observe the human that youre most connected to you have relationshipseven friendships. This is how we learn to be a relational person.

If feeling smothered is something youre drawn to, take a look at the relationships that were modeled for you. If you feel youre being smothered, take a look at the same. Did love mean that someone had strict, rigid boundaries. Were you present for parents who barely told each other when theyd be coming home late? Then your understanding of what smothered is can be your partner texting you to ask what youre up to tonight.

There are not hard and fast rules for whats too much or too little time together. You absolutely want to hold on to your identity and have your partner hold on to theirs, but theres a space for deep reliance on each other. Youll need to work out the balance that makes both of you feel safe and connected.

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Justin Lioi, LCSW

Counselor for Men

JLioiLCSW@gmail.com

www.parkslopetherapist.com

Twitter: @jlioilcsw