4 Ways to Deal with Loved Ones Who Discourage You

It hurt, I wont lie. I went back to the small town where I grew up, expecting my friends to be supportive of my decision to go law school, and for the most part, everyone was. But there was one friend who just laughed.

Youll never get in! He said.

He was a really close friend, and despite his words, I did get in. Its not unlike when my old roommate was concerned I wouldnt pass the bar, and he eventually told me he didnt think I was capable of passing it. Despite his words, I did pass the bar. Throughout my life, I can remember critical times, events, and decisions when I hoped for the support of certain people around me and there were always a few who would look me in the eyes and say, in one way or another, you cant do it. I think for most of us, this is common. The thing that hurt the most is that these were loved ones; people I cared deeply about.

Many motivators, lifestyle entrepreneurs, and writers promote the idea that you should be motivated by your haters. That somehow people telling you that you cant do something should become your motivation to do something. Prove them wrong, they say. Honestly, I think thats terrible advice. Im motivated internally, not by my haters or my supporters. In fact, my so-called haters dont factor into my equation. My friends and family, however, factor deeply. And thats the thing we dont really talk about. When you dig into the psychology behind motivation, it turns out Im onto something.

How do we deal with friends and family who undermine our confidence and tell us we cant do it? Why do they say these things to us? When you understand whats going on, you can better understand how to deal with it. Here are some thoughts to consider:

Their discouragement is a projection

People project their feelings constantly, particularly when they dont feel good about themselves or confident in who they are. When I look back at the friends and family who discouraged me in my life, the vast majority of these people were struggling with their own identity. I didnt always see it at the time, but in retrospect, I can see it as clear as day. Some of them were in failed jobs, failed relationships, or other failed circumstances. Some of them struggled with self-confidence or became uncomfortable with the idea of anyone moving ahead when they couldnt seem to do so. Rather than encourage me and deal with their own junk separately, they projected their junk onto me.

It takes a substantial amount of confidence to look someone in the eye who is discouraging you and understand that you have nothing to do with their bad behavior. Its truly all them, and the best thing you can do with that is acknowledge it for what it is and not lose focus on your goals.

Motivation is an inside job

When were motivated from the outside, we lose the ability to maintain our internal compass and take possession of our goals. Those who routinely set and achieve their objectives are those who do not rely on people to encourage them. Dont get me wrong here- Im not saying having support and encouragement is a bad thing. What I mean is that when you need it to function, your wheels will fall off when its not there. Worse yet, when someone close to you discourages you, it will have a devastating impact, causing you to doubt your abilities and resolve to achieve anything of value.

The best thing you can do for yourself as an entrepreneur, creator, business owner, parent, athlete, or leader is to learn to motivate from the inside. Take outside support as a blessing and thicken your skin to the discouragement that will inevitably come from people in your life.

Keep your eyes on the prize

One of the chapters in my book, Crush the Stops: An Entrepreneurs Guide to Finishing Things , discusses focus and the importance it plays in finishing things. In fact, I devote a lot of my professional time talking about focus because it is an area I see lacking frequently. We are distracted by everything from social media to politics to world tragedies. Theres more than enough to keep us occupied, and if you allow yourself, you can become completely enveloped in a fog of distractions. People who achieve are those who never take their eyes off the prize.

When it comes to loved ones whispering (or yelling) discouraging words to you about your abilities and goals, remember that they only have as much access to your motivational core as you allow them to have. I dont allow anyone to undermine my confidence in my abilities. I identified that particular switch in high school and started working on refining it from that point forward. You can do the same, so start working on it today.

Acknowledge that it hurts

As an adult, Im shocked at how many people live in denial. They dont face their insecurities, they dont acknowledge their pain, and they dont address their difficulties. They live in a faade of strength, which hides true weakness. Its also a recipe for disaster. Maybe its the lawyer in me, but Im 100% comfortable with discomfort. If you really want to know how to navigate the pain that comes from loved ones undermining your confidence, the most important thing you can do is acknowledge that it hurts. You are not weak by acknowledging pain. In fact, thats a sign of strength and health. Get in the habit of identifying pain, calling it what it is, and working through it.

Remember that having loved ones in your life who discourage you is an inevitable part of achieving your goals. Implement these concepts to overcome the pain and distraction, and also keep those relationships healthy and in check. Now go get it!