8 Dos And Don'ts Of Dealing With A Grumpy Spouse

Do: Identify the reason

We often forget, when dealing with a spouse who’s in a bad mood, to simply ask them why they’re upset, says David Kaplan, Ph.D., chief professional officer of the American Counseling Association . Talk to your spouse and try to find out what’s bothering them. Once you identify it, you can figure out the best way to handle it. Counseling, in particular, can be helpful if a prolonged bad mood is due to common issues such as difficulty adjusting to retirement or dealing with the aging process, says Dr. Kaplan.

Don’t: Take it personally

“Never take anything personally,” says Dr. Wendy Walsh, host of Discovery’s “Happily NEVER After” and author of The 30-Day Love Detox . Instead of jumping the gun and assuming your spouse’s bad mood is your fault, “comment on it in a constructive way by saying, ‘I see that you’re in a bad mood. Would you like to talk about it or do you prefer to be left alone right now?’” Dr. Walsh says. If your spouse says that their mood is because of something you said or did, “try not to get defensive, but rather seek to understand the whole situation.”

Do: Use humor

While you can’t control your partner’s mood, you can help shape it. Reader Susan M. tells us that when her husband is grumpy, “we can usually admit and joke about it.” Having a sense of humor can be key to diffusing tension, just be careful that the joking is appropriate and will be taken the right way and not make things worse. If you have words or stories that make both of you laugh, bring them up, says Terri Orbuch, Ph.D., America’s “Love Doctor ”. If you’re not sure how your spouse will feel about funny stories or silly words, best to avoid them, she says.

Don’t: Put them down

Though it’s easy to go from bad mood to an argument, never react to your spouse’s mood with name-calling or put-downs, says Dr. Kaplan. It does nothing to help to your spouse’s mood or your marriage. Research shows that happy couples share a higher ratio of positive interactions than negative ones, so try your best to be understanding or at least neutral.

Do: Talk the right way

Talking about the cause of a bad day or mood can help, but figure out if your spouse just wants someone to listen, or if they want help problem-solving. Alex Lickerman, M.D., assistant vice president for Student Health and Counseling Services at the University of Chicago, learned over time that his wife wants his “understanding but not my help,” he says in Psychology Today . Figuring out what your spouse wants from you when they’re upset makes for smoother sailing the next time.

Don’t: Confront them (in the wrong way)

The way you confront your spouse about their bad mood matters. Pay attention to your tone of voice and body language, says Dr. Kaplan, and make sure to come across as caring and not combative or accusatory. Instead of saying “what’s gotten into you?” try saying “I see something’s bothering you. I love you and I’m here.”

Don’t: Let it affect you

“Anger is like a hot potato. If someone punts it to you, it’s really easy to get hot yourself,” says Dr. Walsh. When your spouse feels bad, try not to spiral into their mood. Dr. Walsh recommends having boundaries, and taking it in stride. “If all else fails, go for a walk alone,” she says.

Do: Know what works

Relationship advice is not one size fits all. If something works for you, keep doing it, says Dr. Kaplan. If not, do something else. Talking is great, but some people might prefer a different tactic. Reader Barbara R. says “ignore him...he gets over it!” while Suzann S. prefers to give her husband space, then trying to talk to him. “It can take a few tries and a couple of days,” she says. As long as serious issues aren’t neglected, do what works best for your spouse and your unique situation.

Your Support Has Never Been More Critical

Other news outlets have retreated behind paywalls. At HuffPost, we believe journalism should be free for everyone.

Would you help us provide essential information to our readers during this critical time? We can't do it without you.

Can't afford to contribute? Support HuffPost by creating a free account and log in while you read.

Support HuffPost

Do: Identify the reason

Don’t: Take it personally

Do: Use humor

Don’t: Put them down

Do: Talk the right way

Don’t: Confront them (in the wrong way)

Don’t: Let it affect you

Do: Know what works

Your Support Has Never Been More Critical

From Our Partner

More In Post 50

This Towel And Blanket Warmer Is A Must-Have For Winter And At Its Lowest Price Of The Year

Naomi Whitehead Believed To Be North America's Oldest Living Person

These Stylish Flats Are Actually Shockingly Comfortable

'Im 37, And Im Beyond Over It': Older Adults Are Revealing The Things They're 'Too Old To Deal With' Anymore

These Are Makeup Artists' Secrets To Looking Younger

32 Personal Care Products That Reviewers Over 50 Are Super Impressed With

Over 50? Nutritionists And Geriatricians Are Begging You Eat These Foods.

Shirley MacLaine Reveals Oscar Winner Who Rejected Her Sex Offer

This Highly Rated Chair Cushion Helps With My Sciatica And It's Only $40

Ron Ely, TV's 'Tarzan' In The 1960s, Dies At 86

49 Home Products With Before After Photos That Are SO Dramatic

6 Products To Help Solve The Kinda Private Problems That Older Adults Might Have

12 Kitchens Gadgets That Are Lifesavers For People With Dexterity Limitations

How Many Pumpkin Spice Lattes Are Too Many?

The 24 Emergency Preparedness Items That Every Older Person Should Have

Entertainer Mitzi Gaynor, Star Of South Pacific, Dies At 93

These Are Makeup Artists' Secrets To Looking Younger

22 Shoes For Anyone Who Likes Walking But Hates Foot Pain

This Pillow Isn't Just For Sex. It Can Help You Sleep Better Too.

The Tiny Tech Purchase That Made My Life 1,000 Times Easier

5 Makeup Mistakes That'll Age You, According To Makeup Artists Over 60

I'm Honestly Floored At What This Product Is Doing For My Aging Lips

Need More Moisturizer Than You Used To? There's A Reason For That

Ethel Kennedy's Legacy Honored On Social Media

MLB Pitcher Luis Tiant Dies At 83

The Terrifying Way A New Email Scam Is Stealing People's Money

21 Shoes For Anyone Who Likes Walking But Hates Foot Pain

Frank Fritz, Former American Pickers Co-Host, Dies at 60

18 Must-Have Fall Fashion Staples, According To Women Over 50

Aging Gracefully Can Be Scary, But Psychologists Reveal How To Shift Your Narrative

This Surprisingly Chic $7 Pill Case Is The Most Important Item In My Bag

In The U.S., This Polarizing Issue Has Parents Divided. In Sweden, It's Law.

If Your Beard Seems Patchier Over Time, You're Not Imagining It

Over 50? Nutritionists And Geriatricians Are Begging You Eat These Foods.

Singer-Songwriter JD Souther Dies At 78

Reviewers Call This Famous Mop-Vac The Best Invention Ever And Its $180 Off

12 Kitchens Gadgets That Are Lifesavers For People With Dexterity Limitations

4 Food Ingredients That Weaken Your Bones, According To Osteoporosis Specialists

7 Things ER Doctors Say You Should Always Do After A Fall

The Tiny Tech Purchase That Made My Life 1,000 Times Easier Is On Sale Today

Health Experts Reveal The 1 Thing They Wish Their Older Patients Would Do

This $9 Upgrade Has Been A Game-Changer For My Manicures

I'm Traveling The World At 84. Here Are My Secrets To A Long, Healthy Life.

This Pillow Isn't Just For Sex. It Can Help You Sleep Better Too.

6 Products To Help Solve The Kinda Private Problems That Older Adults Might Have

Queen Guitarist Brian May Says He Can Still Play Despite 'Minor Stroke'

The 24 Emergency Preparedness Items That Every Older Person Should Have

Elle Macpherson's Breast Cancer Story Is Raising Some Eyebrows

These Stylish Flats Are Actually Shockingly Comfortable

The Tiny Tech Purchase That Made My Life 1,000 Times Easier

If You're Insecure About Your Arms, These Fuller-Coverage Tops Are Lightweight Enough For Hot Weather

49 Home Products With Before After Photos That Are SO Dramatic

Spanish Woman Believed To Be The Oldest Person In The World Has Died At Age 117

These 'Unsexy' Products Have Improved Reviewers' Lives A Whole Lot

Great White Lead Singer Jack Russell Dies At 63

32 Personal Care Products That Reviewers Over 50 Are Super Impressed With

These Stylish And Affordable Flats Are Shockingly Comfortable

Hollywood Squares Host Peter Marshall Dies At 98

My Favorite Stress-Relief Tool Is Finally On Sale And It's Worth Every Freaking Penny

Ten Expensive Drugs Will Get Cheaper, Thanks To Biden's Signature Legislation

This Pillow Isn't Just For Sex. It Can Help You Sleep Better Too.

These Are Makeup Artists' Secrets To Looking Younger

I'm Honestly Floored At What This Product Is Doing For My Aging Lips And It's 20% Off Right Now

12 Kitchen Gadgets That Are Lifesavers For People With Dexterity Limitations

I'm Honestly Floored At What This Product Is Doing For My Aging Lips And It's 20% Off Right Now

This $9 Upgrade Has Been A Game-Changer For My Manicures

Study Finds Gen Xers And Millennials Are At Higher Risk For These 17 Cancers

This $9 Upgrade Has Been A Game-Changer For My Manicures

12 Kitchens Gadgets That Are Lifesavers For People With Dexterity Limitations