America's Plea: Please Stop Getting Married During Football Season

As the regular season comes to a close and we stumble fearlessly into bowl season, I thought it important to gather you all here in order to discuss an ongoing human rights violation -- a human rights violation so pervasive, so systemic, that some refuse to acknowledge that a problem even exists.

And that human rights violation, my dear friends, is the calamity that is people getting married during football season.

Now, before we delve into this issue further, Id like you all to know that I spent a considerable amount of time this season wondering if I should cut the wristbands from a victory off of my wrists, or if my doing so would lead to inevitable defeat, so clearly Im coming at this from a well-reasoned, rational place.

But apples are apples, and facts are facts, and the fact is were in crisis. This epidemic has persisted for far too long, and its time that we stand together as a nation united to upend this longstanding national nightmare. Because whether youre a Republican or a Democrat, Catholic or Atheist, I think we can all agree that this issue is widespread, far-reaching, and endemic to our country.

And it must be stopped.

Now, dont get me wrong, its not that we dont support your nuptials. We do! Were thrilled that you found Tommy on Tinder and that you chiseled away at his commitment issues. And were incredibly excited about partaking in your open bar. Wed just be more excited if we could consume the libations from said bar during well not football season. And before you label us unreasonable, wed like to point out that football season is but one tiny scintilla of time. February! March! April! May! June! July! August! The world is literally your oyster! Except not, because oysters are kind of gross.

I mean, all women dream of June weddings, right? The critically acclaimed film Bride Wars taught me that. Its a month marked by warm days infused with cool breezes, blue skies, and burgeoning blooms. Its picturesque! June Saturdays are meant for weddings, while fall Saturdays are meant for hating that b*tch Dabo Swinney .

(Pardon my French; Im still bitter about last weekends ACC Championship.)

And again, we dont mean to belittle the gravity of your moment. We really are happy for you and are totally invested in your union. Its just that weve only been following your coupling for a few years, while weve had a relationship with our team for decades. And we cant divorce them. We may wish Ebola on the coaching staff from time to time, but annulment is not an option. Thats how deep our commitment runs. And when you get married during football season, youre asking us to break that commitment. Youre asking us to effectually cheat on our spouse. And, I mean, wed never wish that on you.

So the next time you sit down with Tommy in order to flesh out the details of your big day, maybe just keep us in the back of your minds while you do. Because that loyalty that you love so much about us -- that loyalty that cements the foundation of our friendship? Well, we feel it for someone else, too. And while were excited about watching you pledge your life to your true love, we also dont want to neglect our own. So please do us a favor: please walk down the aisle during the offseason on the arm of a college mascot , like all sane, well-adjusted females do.

Because if these football-season weddings keep happening, I just might die.

Though you can rest easy knowing that my funeral wont be held on football Saturday.

Jennifer is the author of The Tooth Fairy Doesnt Knock and Milk & Cookies , and is the founder of Funny Fable Productions , a company whose aim is to create childrens books that can be enjoyed by both parents and kids alike. Follow them on Facebook and/or Instagram for funny parenting content!