An Open Letter From Our Sixteenth President

FROM: Abraham Lincoln

TO: The American People

LOCATION: Heaven

My fellow Americans,

I am writing this to you from Starbucks. Yes, we have them here. It is, after all, heaven.

I have heretofore made it a practice to stay out of American elections, but circumstances are such this time that I can no longer remain silent.

[Oh, there’s Mahatma Gandhi. “Hello, Mahatma!” He’s getting his usual double chocolaty chip crème frappuccino and two slices of classic coffee cake. When he’s not protesting British rule, the man can eat!]

America is facing a time of crisis. Remember my thing about how “you can’t fool all of the people all of the time”? It seems I may have misspoken.

My beloved Republican Party has put forth a candidate patently unsuited to the office of the president. His character and emotional maturity are more aptly suited to a fourth-grade play date. Even then I wouldn’t leave him unsupervised. You just know he would somehow wind up pocketing all the kids’ lunch money.

[“Hi, Bill!” William Shakespeare. Grande Sumatra, lots of room for cream and a toffeedoodle. He said to tell you the Republican nominee is so devious, he makes Iago seem like a straight shooter. “Good one, Bill! Haveth a nice day!”]

How did we get here?

I was so proud of America eight years ago, or, if you prefer, four score minus seventy-two. The same nation that nearly tore itself asunder in the battle to end slavery elected a black man President of the United States. And reelected him.

Are we really now about to choose someone who’s entire political life was built on a racist lie about that same president?

There’s no point detailing the qualities that make the Republican nominee a danger not only to our democratic system, but to the entire planet. These traits have been on public display for all to see for many many months. We are well aware that he admires tyrants, that he lies pathologically, that he cannot tolerate even the slightest criticism, that he is at his very core a con man, and that he has stage 4 megalomania. We know all these things and more. And yet the man is standing on the threshold of the presidency. Which leads me to ask:

Are you people nuts?!

[It’s Moses. “Hi, Moe!.” You wouldn’t figure him for an iced coconut milk mocha macchiato, but there it is.]

I know there are many Americans, especially in my Republican party, who know the truth of what I am saying, but who just cannot bring themselves to vote for the Democratic candidate. Let me tell you a story:

Early in the Civil War, things were going badly. I knew I had to appoint a new general to turn things around, and there was one obvious choice for the position: Ulysses S. Grant. But I resisted. You see, Ulysses had a very juvenile sense of humor. Whenever Matthew Brady took our picture, he would make “rabbit ears” behind my head. And he was always tapping me on the shoulder and saying, “Made you look.” The final straw was at an important staff meeting after the debacle at Chancellorsville, when he asked me to pull his finger and then, well, never mind. The point is, I was so blinded by these minor annoyances I nearly missed the fact that Grant was the man for the job. Fortunately, I eventually saw the light, and the rest, is, as they say, history.

I close with this appeal to the better angels of our nature (as it happens, I’m on a first-name basis with some of our better angels!): Vote for Her.

[Hey, there’s John Wilkes Booth. Not! No, he’s in the other place. They only have one Coffee Bean & Tea Leaf. The lines stretch into eternity and they’re always out of Sweet ‘n Low.]