Apology - An Honest Love Story

I sit before flowers hoping they will train me in the art of opening up, I stand on mountain tops believing that avalanches will teach me to let go. I know nothing but I am here to learn. - Shane Koyczan

Im sorry that its only at 26 - after a few expected-to-fail relationships, one engagement that never turned into marriage, heartbreaks and breaking of hearts - that Ive only now begun my attempt at understanding how love works.

I know, I know, its not romantic to want to dissect it like a mathematician, to think that therell be a formula or equation. Whats worst is that Im terrible at math. But Ive done enough of screwing up and to be honest, my heart is pretty much at a critical can-we-not? stage.

Im sorry that it took me this long to come clean about the truths that Ive found difficult to admit.

That part of the things Ive done was simply to belong, to a group, to my friends, to someone. That I wanted to know that a person like me could be loved, that I enjoyed the pity party and the attention that followed. Im sorry I was 18 for quite a while, even when I was 21.

Then there were new things to apologies for - the lies, the cheating, the things I never knew about myself so I blamed you for caging me in. Im sorry that the one time you went to get coffee, you came back to me leaving. Im sorry if youve since grew to hate coffee runs.

Im sorry that at 23 I thought I could build a life with someone new, that I could be a wife and a mother too, someday soon. Im sorry I ran away from facing you. And Im sorry for the people I dragged with me along the way as I drowned in my own pool of confusion. Im sorry it took me so long to start making peace with it and to be honest, Ive hardly begun.

Im sorry that parts of me are still angry, hurting and afraid of all the things I did and never said. Im sorry I left you feeling betrayed.

Im sorry that this is the way I tell you Ive found someone new.

Im sorry that two days before the world celebrates love, I decide to sit at the balcony writing an apology from behind a screen instead of saying it to your face.

Im sorry that I never before saw the importance of diving into books, blogs, the words of Alain de Botton , Thich Nhat Hanh , Pema Chondron , philosophers, personalities, the ones others revere as gods - to find the answers to a question too big for this life.

Im sorry that Ive led you this far without telling you what the question was. Im just wondering what does it mean to love and how do we do it well?

And Im sorry I dont have the answers.