Are You Giving Yourself Up or Are You Being Loving?

"How do I know when I am care-taking and when I am being loving?" I get asked this question quite frequently. The answer lies in understanding your intent.

Care-taking

Care-taking comes from the ego wounded self and the intent behind care-taking is to control. When you are care-taking, you are giving yourself up to do what someone else wants you to do in the hopes of having control over getting approval or avoiding disapproval or anger. When you are care-taking, you are taking responsibility for another person's feelings while ignoring your own. You are taking care of the other person's needs while putting your own needs in the closet. Frequently, you are doing for others what they need to be doing for themselves - which means that you are enabling them.

While it might look loving to care-take others, it is anything but loving. It is not loving to abandon yourself. It is not loving to give to get - giving with an agenda to get approval or avoid disapproval. It is not loving to enable others in not taking responsibility for themselves.

Loving Behavior

Loving behavior toward others always comes from your heart a heart that is full of love because you are loving yourself. When you love others, you give to them for the joy of giving to them, and the intent behind the giving is to share your love. You don't need anything from the other person because you are already full of love from taking loving care of yourself.

There is no agenda attached to loving behavior. How the other person responds is fine, because you don't need anything back, nor do you expect anything back. You are giving for the pure joy of giving and are further filled in the act of giving.

Caregiving

Care-giving is a particular form of loving behavior. You are care-giving when you are giving to another what that person needs and cannot do for himself or herself. When you are care-giving, sometimes you do things even though you don't feel like doing them, because you love or care about the other person's well-being. An example of care-giving is taking care of children, even when you have to get up in the middle of the night and don't want to. You are care-giving when you take care of an old person or a sick person - doing for them what they cannot do for themselves.

Sometimes care-giving gives you joy, and other times it is difficult, but it never has an agenda attached. You are being kind because it makes you feel good to be kind - not because you are trying to get something back from the other person.

Often clients will say to me, "Isn't there a fine line between caring and care-taking?"

No, it is not a fine line at all. There is not a fine line between the intent to control and the intent to love yourself and others. The confusion comes in because the action may be exactly the same. For example, you might make dinner for your partner for the pure joy of giving, or you might make dinner to get approval or avoid disapproval. While the action of making dinner is the same, the energy of it is totally different because the intent is totally different. Food made with love even tastes better than food made from fear, guilt, or obligation.

When you give from the ego wounded self with the intent to control, you will eventually end up feeling resentful and used. When you give from your loving adult self with the intent to share your love, you will feel filled in the giving, regardless of how the other person responds.

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