Are You Making Too Much Time For Your Relationship?

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Its Friday night and Erin is home alone again. She hoped hed call. He said he might. He didnt. So, shes got Netflix and a glass of wine in her PJs. She scrolls the Instafeed. Shes jealous of her friends who are all out at a local bar listening to live music. It looks like they are having a really good time. They used to invite her to go places. They dont so much anymore. She said no too many times. She has a boyfriend afterall.

He texts her about 11:00. He doesnt even ask to come over this time. He tells her hell touch bases with her tomorrow to make plans. He doesnt do that either. He does call her Sunday afternoon though. They talk for awhile. He ends up coming over. She cooks him dinner. They watch football. He stays the night. Erin was happy she finally got some time with him.

Monday morning at work everyone is talking about their weekend. Most of her co-workers did really cool things. Sailing, hiking, live music, an art exhibit. Erin sat around looking at Instagram, watching her phone for a text message, watched football, and got laid. She doesnt like how she feels but she doesnt know what to do.

Casey has been married for six years. Shes got a beautiful home and a job she likes but shes bored. She watches him sitting on the couch buried in his laptop. He rarely looks up. He went hunting last weekend so shes hoping they can do something together next weekend but she doesnt ask. He tells her hes working, but she can clearly see hes watching videos and reading articles from FB. Even though shes sitting next to him most of the evening, most every evening, she feels very lonely.

She tells him shes going to bed. He tells her hell be there in a little bit. She takes her time getting ready to crawl into bed. She showers, brushes her hair, she even puts on a little makeup. She hopes he will notice her. However, at 2 a.m. when he finally crawls into bed, she barely stirs. Shes been asleep for more than two hours.

She doesnt think hes having an affair. She doesnt think hes flirting with anyone online. She just thinks surfing videos and articles about investing are more interesting than she is. She cant blame him, but shes angry anyway.

The next day at work its announced there is a position coming available at her firm. It would be a promotion for her. Its pretty much her dream job. She reads the job description, takes a deep breath and closes the email. Shes not sure shes good enough. She doesnt feel like taking risks right now. She decides not to apply.

Erin and Casey have very different lives but they have some things in common. They both feel invisible in their relationships. Theyve both been ghosted by partners that havent actually left. Theyve both put their lives on hold hoping a man will give them some attention and entertain them. They are both lonely because theyve bet on a man who isnt delivering connection, or much of anything else.

A few days ago, I talked to a man. Well call him Scott. Scott has been with his girlfriend for almost a year. Hes thinking about ending it but hes torn. He says he still has feelings for her. When I asked him why he might want to end it he replied, She used to be so interesting. She was the most interesting woman in any room. She always had something going on. We could talk for hours about anything. In the beginning I couldnt wait to see her. She wasnt always available. She spent a lot of time with her friends and family. But somewhere along the line the Friday night, Saturday night date became assumed. She quit going to her yoga class. She quit taking her art lessons. She quit going hiking with her friends. I feel responsible for her. I dont like that feeling. We just dont talk like we used to. I hate to say it, but shes boring me.

When a man says hes bored with a woman, women almost always think he means sexually. Thats almost never the case, at least in the beginning. It can creep into that territory pretty quick, but it usually starts with him being bored with her in general, because she has given up everything that made her interesting to clear the decks for him. I have a close friend who gave up every weekend for almost a decade waiting for a phone call that rarely came and didnt even notice shed disappeared from her own life. Ive been guilty of it more times than I care to count in smaller but still corrosive ways.

A man will lose interest in a woman whos waiting around. Some would say its about that game of pursuit that men seem to like so much. However, I think its more fundamental than that. Waiting around is boring and it makes for a boring woman. A woman that puts her life on hold for a man stops being as attractive because her light dims. It doesnt matter if shes dating him for a few weeks or if shes been married for decade.

If you want him to love you they way he did in the beginning, be the woman he fell in love with. Chances are pretty high, that woman had a life.

* Client stories have been shared with permission and names have been changed.