Asynchronous Development in Gifted Kids

A version of this article originally appeared on My Little Poppies .

When our oldest son was 3-years-old, he was obsessed with dinosaurs.

Obsessed.

Our conversations revolved around dinosaurs. He made dinosaur art and completed dinosaur puzzles.

We had stacks of dinosaur books. We read Dinosaurumpus! so often that I still have it memorized. Our copy is worn and tattered, well-loved.

One evening, soon after I had tucked him in for the night, I heard sobbing coming from upstairs. Our little boy was afraid to fall asleep.

I sat down on his bed, rubbed his back, and asked him if he wanted to talk about it. He has had a number of fears over the years and I was hoping we could hash it out and still manage to get some shut-eye.

"Mumma," he began, "the dinosaurs are extinct..." his voice trailed off as he succumbed to sobs once more.

Gently, I unearthed my sweet boy from his twisted sheets and snuggled him in my arms. I held him there, squeezing his sad little body, and I waited until he was ready.

The dinosaurs are extinct and the scientists don't know why. They are extinct for an unknown reason. What if we all die, and become extinct for some unknown reason?! What if we die and we're gone forever?!

And thus began our fear-of-death-and-extinction-phase. We were not able to conquer it that night; it persisted for weeks. (And let's be honest here: The kid had a point.)

There are countless myths about giftedness out there , from the well-behaved straight-A student to the hot-housing Tiger Mom to gifted education as elitist. The concept of twice-exceptional children, children who are both gifted and learning disabled, is not well known- let alone understood- outside of the gifted community. 

As an educator, gifted advocate, and mom to a profoundly gifted twice-exceptional son, I wish these gifted myths were extinct, but I know that all change starts small.

If I could just get folks to understand just one thing about giftedness, it would be this: asynchronous development.

One of the hallmarks of giftedness, asynchronous development refers to the uneven intellectual, social-emotional, and physical development that is common among gifted children. While most children develop in a relatively uniform manner, gifted children are asynchronous in their development and the more gifted the child, the more asynchronous that child may be. This can result in large gaps between a child’s physical, intellectual, and social-emotional development and functioning. A gifted child can have the intellect of an adult with the emotions of a child. Their little minds can harbor thoughts that their emotions cannot yet process .

A dinosaur-obsessed 3-year-old who is also terrified of mass human extinction is a perfect illustration of asynchronous development. Our little guy's interest in dinosaurs was age-appropriate but his understanding of permanence, extinction, and death was beyond his years.

Asynchronous development is the reason our son floundered in kindergarten and why we started homeschooling . No one should be so misunderstood at five.

Asynchronous development is why, at the age of six, our son had a mature and heart-wrenching conversation about overcrowding and its impact on our local coyote population and yet, two days later, I had to under-arm him out of a robotics event because he was unable to wait in line for his turn.

Our son is many ages at once. Chronologically, he is eight-years-old. Intellectually he is more than twice his age... and yet he can still tantrum like a four-year-old.

He is a funny, brilliant, creative, energetic, frustrating, demanding, and exhausting little person. He is a joy to raise, however, parenting him has been one of the greatest challenges of my life. Over the years, it has gotten easier, but it's never been easy.

I think of asynchronous development as the very essence of giftedness. My hope is that, by talking about it, others will begin to understand giftedness as asynchrony. The truth is, gifted children are not better than their peers, they are just different. And just like other populations that differ significantly from the norm, gifted children need support in order to thrive. 

If you are the parent of a gifted, asynchronous child, please know this: You are not alone. Here are some tips from a mom who is right there in the trenches with you:

• Read about asynchronous development to gain a deeper understanding of your child and his or her unique needs.
• Do not be afraid to think outside of the box when it comes to your child's education. Listen to your gut and remember that one size does not fit all.
• Gifted children need intellectual peers. If you cannot find a community for your child locally, create your own. If you build it, they will come.
• Help your child navigate his or her asynchrony. Yes, it can be challenging to parent these children, but stop for a moment and imagine what it must feel like to be that out-of-sync child. Talk about strengths and weaknesses, teach coping skills, and do not be afraid to seek help when necessary.
• Find a community of gifted and twice-exceptional parents so that you have support, too. It takes a village.

Are you the parent of an asynchronous child? Share your stories here! 

Cait is a school psychologist, mom to three amazing children, and an unexpected homeschooler. She loves nature, good books, board games, strong coffee, and dancing in her kitchen. She blogs about the journey at My Little Poppies . Cait co-hosts The Homeschool Sisters Podcast . Cait is also a contributing writer at Simple Homeschool and GeekMom. Her work has been featured on The Mighty and Scary Mommy. You can find her on Facebook , Instagram , Pinterest , Twitter and G+ .