Calm Down Houston Texans' Fans... It's Only The Preseason

As a devout fan(atic) of the 5-time Superbowl Champion, Dallas Cowboys, I try not to even address the ridiculous gloating of Houston Texans’ fans. However, in light of Houston’s insignificant 28-17 preseason win over the Cowboys last night, I thought I would speak to the bold contempt of these expansion-team-enthusiasts towards the only true football team in Texas. So here’s to every Houston Texans fan that has ever written, said, thought, yelled or otherwise communicated hate towards my beloved Cowboys -

You selfish and ungrateful haters of greatness are the very thing that is wrong with the beautiful sport of football. You couldn’t just accept the kind act of pity we showed back in 2002 when we let you win during our first meeting in that traffic-causing pathetic attempt at a stadium you plopped down next to the Astrodome.

So, in classic “big bank takes little bank” fashion we showed you that this is Texas and took the blue prints of that dog track Reliant Energy slapped its name on and put a portion of the $2.1 billion dollars our franchise is worth and created a shrine to football that can be seen from Canada to Nicaragua! AND… just to prove to you unoriginal chumps that stealing our old name wouldn’t provide access to our dynasty; we made sure that the next three times you had the audacity to stand in front of us on a football field in the regular season, you felt the pain and agony of defeat. You would think after the Cowboys destroyed the Texans in Texas Stadium in Irving, Texas, 34-6 back in 2006 you would have learned a little reverence for your football superiors. Instead, 10 years later, you audaciously boast and brag over a preseason game. 

With unmitigated gall, you have the nerve to fix your mouths to disrespect a team that, based on its sheer electrifying explosiveness, has had the unique privilege of not only playing but hosting every Thanksgiving day game, save two, since 1966. You would think that there would be an ounce of pride given that on a clear day you can almost see Fort Worth,TX from the Woodlands. You would think there would be a sense of humility towards the purveyors of the Doomsday Defense that have proudly waved the Texas flag in front of sellout crowds all over the United States. In 50 states and even abroad, we are known as America’s Team; you would think you’d be proud of your big brothers to the north.

But no.

You make your little internet memes about Tony Romo, a quarterback who despite his injuries has proven himself to be a versatile leader and play maker on the field. All the while, you hide in the admittedly large shadow of J.J. Watt, an impressive football player but far from the answer to your problematic ring-less fingers.

Enter new blood like Dak Prescott who, during the preseason, completed 39 out 50 passes for 454 yards, scored five touchdowns and threw zero picks. With Tony Romo possibly returning in November and the presence of our new running back workhorse, Ezekiel Elliott, we just may see a little magic in D-Town.

I’ll  tell you what all you fair-weather Texans fans, I’m going to be the fan that Stephen A. Smith whines about and make this proclamation before you grow tired of the Texans like you did the Houston Oilers and give the nice people of Pascagoula, Mississippi a football team so they no longer are forced to shamefully root for the abysmal New Orleans, Saints. (Yeah I said it!)

IF the universe ever shifts or the last sign of the apocalypse ever appears and you manage to get a Superbowl ring; I’ll wear the Texans jersey of your choice on the streets of downtown Dallas holding a sign that reads, ‘Cowboys Suck’ AND even though I’m lactose intolerant, I’ll eat an Earl Campbell sausage and cheese kolache from Shipley’s Donuts while tipping my ‘Luv Ya Blue’ stenciled, white Stetson hat to anyone who passes me wearing Cowboys regalia. 

Since that magical, impossible day probably won’t happen in my lifetime or before you decide to sell your team for pennies on the dollar again and recommission Reliant Stadium as an off-location extension to the Houston Galleria, I’m going to simply inform you that you may choose any of the 5, diamond-studded championship rings earned by the greatest football team in the world to kiss!

Yours truly,

The Undisputed and Forever Loyal, #1 Fan of the American Football Dynasty known as the Dallas Cowboys