Couples Are Using ChatGPT To Resolve Arguments. Is That Lazy Or Brilliant?

For people who turn to ChatGPT for nearly everything, there are three sides to every argument in a relationship: theirs, their partners and ChatGPTs. 

Pretty sure my wife just apologised through chatgpt, one husband wrote on Reddit , showing the mea culpa and saying he wasnt entirely mad about it. Honestly, I think its a pretty thoughtful apology, he said . 

Others are less enthused.

My girlfriend uses Chat GPT every time we have a disagreement. one man wrote in a viral Reddit post last month , explaining that his partner will sometimes start talking to the artificial intelligence text chatbot while hes right there in the room. Am i the asshole for asking her to stop using chat gpt in this context?

Baron, a 40-year-old from London, said he also uses ChatGPT as a resource in interpersonal conflicts. (Baron asked HuffPost to use his first name only to protect his and his wifes privacy.)

When it comes to arguments, I tend to be a sulker, he said. I decided to use ChatGPT while in one of my sulks.

Its good at taking heated, loaded or even passive-aggressive text messages and removing all of the emotional charge that sometimes makes communicating in the moment so hard, Baron explained.

Barons wife often feels like the burden of making decisions small or large falls on her shoulders, with him making little to no effort. So hes used ChatGPT to find a solution.

ChatGPT suggested we could implement a system by which my wife could collect all the options over a period of time and then present them to me in batches, he said. That way, it didnt feel to me like we were revisiting the same decision multiple times per day, and to her it didnt feel like I wasnt interested at all.

Cynthia Shaw , a psychologist who practices in New York and New Jersey, has heard about couples turning to AI for help and sees the benefit.

For those who may not have access to mental health services, using ChatGPT is one way to access some sort of resource for guidance, she said.

AI technology like ChatGPT can essentially compile information gleaned from professional advice columns and therapists lifestyle articles. For a question about the household division of labor, it might tell you: Let your wife know you see her perspective when she asks you to take out the trash and load the dishwasher. Explain that you feel overwhelmed when she makes consecutive demands of you.

Is it fair to recruit AI in a fight to essentially tell you what to do? Shaw thinks it comes down to a persons intention.

What is the reason someone is resorting to the use of artificial intelligence? Is it to help craft the perfect apology, or is it to look for information as to how to engage in active listening? she said. The former may seem a bit shallow, whereas the latter may seem more sincere, as if someone is trying to learn so that they can incorporate this in future interactions.

Baron, the frequent ChatGPT user, agrees with that take.

If youre using GPT to tell you what to say in order to win an argument, unless its a kind of in-joke argument that doesnt cause emotional distress, then I think youve got bigger problems than just the immediate fight, he said. Arguments should be resolved, not won or lost.

If you want to recruit ChatGPT as a mediator in a very emotionally charged situation, mental health experts who spoke to HuffPost had some advice. See what they had to say below.

Instead of pulling out ChatGPT midargument, use it as a nonjudgmental space for rehearsing conversations.

In heated conflicts, emotions can cloud judgment, making it difficult to communicate in a calm, rational way. Janet Bayramyan , a trauma therapist in the Encino neighborhood of Los Angeles, California, thinks ChatGPT can serve to de-escalate intense emotional responses by suggesting more measured language.

For people who have difficulty expressing their thoughts clearly, or who tend to communicate in ways that escalate conflict for instance, using defensive language ChatGPT can offer alternative phrasing that promotes collaboration rather than defensiveness, she said. 

Some people find conflict distressing and may freeze up or avoid addressing issues because theyre unsure how to approach them, Bayramyan said. For those people, ChatGPT can provide a nonjudgmental space for rehearsing conversations or processing emotions, helping them feel more confident when engaging in real-life dialogue, she said.

Another perk, according to Shaw? Due to the perceived lack of judgment from ChatGPT, people may be more receptive to alternative perspectives. We may feel less as if we need to defend ourselves, Shaw said.

But its advice could be biased, depending on the input you provide and it certainly cant do all the emotional work for you.

Melanie McNally , a psychologist in Arlington Heights, Illinois, is concerned that when people use ChatGPT, they might not be gaining the clarity that theyre likely seeking.

Thats because people structure the prompts from their own biased perspective, [so] the responses could also be biased, she said. ChatGPT isnt going to challenge you about your own role in the conflict or help you understand someone elses perspective, unless you ask it directly.

And if youre apologizing, ChatGPT cant do the emotional work of actually being repentant.

Ultimately, I think when people use ChatGPT to resolve conflict, they might be missing a great opportunity to learn more about their partner, themselves and how to self-regulate, McNally explained.

Disagreements can be complex and require reading nonverbal body language, understanding someone elses perspective and background, and so much more, she said. Just remember that ChatGPT cant do those things for us, McNally advised.

ChatGPT might be especially helpful for those who are neurodivergent.

Using ChatGPT as a mediator might be beneficial for people on the neurodivergent spectrum, as those with differences in brain functioning may struggle to interpret body language, pick up on nonverbal cues or empathize with a partners emotions.

One of the reasons I think ChatGPT has been good for my wife and I is because were both neurodivergent, Baron said. I have ADHD [attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder] and my wife has Aspergers, so communication between us can sometimes be a minefield.

Think through a problem yourself before rushing to consult ChatGPT.

If you want to use ChatGPT to help work through your emotions, Bayramyan said to reflect on questions like: What am I really upset about? What do I need from my partner? What do I want to communicate?

While ChatGPT can offer helpful insights or suggestions, its critical that you do the emotional work yourself. Authentic communication requires emotional presence, vulnerability and active engagement, she said. Let ChatGPT help you prep, but remember: The real work happens between you and your spouse.

You might want to tell your partner that you turned to ChatGPT.

Not everyone feels that recruiting ChatGPT into an argument is fair. Some might say its outsourcing emotional work. (In a Reddit thread where someone posted about using ChatGPT, one person responded : If I was married and I found out my wife used a soulless, unfeeling chatbot to apologize for something, Id be pissed. I wouldnt want something to defuse my rage, Id want an honest apology.)

Natalie Grierson , a mental health counselor in Dayton, Ohio, said she understands that perspective. 

If someone doesnt share that they used ChatGPT to inform their responses in an argument, their partner may feel duped and betrayed if they find out, she told HuffPost.

Additionally, there is a potential risk to sincerity, which is instrumental in resolving conflict. If a partner discovers their loved one used AI to apologize or express empathy, it may feel disingenuous or careless, Grierson said.

Use ChatGPT to learn about healthy communication skills even when youre not fighting.

There are some great use cases for ChatGPT outside of fights, Grierson noted. 

For example, I typed in Tell me tips for communicating effectively with my spouse, and ChatGPT gave me 10 solid strategies for interpersonal effectiveness, including guidance to actively listen, use empathy and remain open to feedback, she said. Partners who want to learn more about practical communication tools may benefit from ChatGPT. 

ChatGPT can only do so much. You have to do the brunt of the work.

Obviously, ChatGPT lacks the ability to fully understand the nuances of your specific situation your past relationship patterns, for instance, or what resentments or issues you and your girlfriend hold. It can offer general advice or conflict resolution techniques, but it may miss important context or sensitivities that could impact the outcome, Bayramyan said.

Fair fighting, whether youre using ChatGPT or not, requires both parties to be present, listen and express their feelings authentically, she said. While ChatGPT might help organize thoughts or calm an overly emotional response, it can create an imbalance if one partner is outsourcing their emotional work while the other is putting in full effort.