Dear Dr. Ben Carson

Dear Dr. Ben Carson,

Can I call you Dr. Ben Carson? Great. Thanks. I would like to thank you for your recent comments regarding how to respond during a mass shooting. I believe that your exact words were, "I would not just stand there and let him (the shooter) shoot me. I would say, 'Hey guys, everybody attack him. He may shoot me, but he can't get us all.'" Dr. Carson, when I heard these words, my reaction was indescribable.

Finally!!! Someone giving us solutions! It was a real forehead-slapping "obviously" moment for me, you know? Don't just stand there. Who'd have thought it! I know that you received a lot of flak for your comments and to be perfectly honest, I find that to be baffling. I mean, how are people even finding arguments against this idea? Peeeeople are so preposterous (Insert haughty laugh here). Just preposterous.

Which brings me to the reason for this letter. If I am going to protect myself and those around me, I need a clear plan. Since it doesn't look like that will happen, I will work with this one instead. So I figured I would ask your advice on a few key items that I can't seem to figure out.

Bulletproof bodywear -- do you recommend it? I figured I need to find some to wear when I go to the movies. Or a place of worship. Or outside. The chain mail that I normally wear just ain't going to cut it anymore.

I was so pumped up about your ideas that I actually headed directly to my local Target to see which bulletproof brands they carry. I looked through all the aisles. Oddly enough, they didn't have any. This was disappointing, but I would assume in the next few years that this will change and they will carry a great assortment.

Maybe I should write to Target to speed up the process? Wait. Why am I even asking such a silly question? Of course I should. I can see the lines forming out the door already. Buy your new Bulletproof Booty pants for just $13.99. Military grade. You'll be caught dead without a pair.

At $13.99 a pair, I would even buy two pairs. But it just doesn't seem like the pants alone would be enough. What if both pairs of my bulletproof pants are lying on my closet floor because one has a giant BBQ sauce stain on it and the other pair I just went mudsliding in?

So, I thought, maybe, in addition to the bodywear I should have a tool or my own weapon. I think that it is obvious which weapon came to mind first. Nunchuks, baby! Because I will strap that s--t to my back and go down ninja turtle style. Oh, wait... I think that I am not allowed to carry those in public though because they are too dangerous... I mean, nobody wants a person untrained in the art of the nunchuk to go swinging those two giant chopsticks around other people. What sort of society would that make for? Not a good one. I will tell you that much.

I only have a few more questions, Dr. Carson. I appreciate you bearing with me. What I am really perplexed about is what to do when I am rushing the murderer; should I crouch down low and get him in the gut or should I cartwheel karate kick him in the chest with a double flip landing? So many choices. So little time to consider them all properly as bullets shoot past me. I did just buy these orthopedic shoes that I think will give me the buoyancy to take my attack to the next level. If you want to know the brand, please let me know. I am happy to share my expertise with you.

I think that I have a lot of valuable information to share, especially as a mom. Like my kids eat a lot of fruits. And so I know that if you happened to get caught at a farmer's market shooting without the protection of your bulletproof pants and your nunchuks (I know, you might as well have just left your house naked) and needed another form of weaponry to attack the shooter with until you can get close enough to throw yourself atop him; I would say to skip the pickle section and run right to the lemons. I know what you are thinking. Why wouldn't I pelt the shooter with apples? Most people would think an apple, perhaps a pear. But even they are too bulky for rapid-fire throwing, which is what you will need to be doing. And then when the scene goes all slo-mo, you would see the bullets slice silently through each individual fresh, bright yellow lemon. Visually, it would be stunning...

Oh wait, if you become president, you would have bodyguards. Sorry. I forgot.

Yeah, so just duck then.

Oh, wait, you said you wouldn't do that.

Yeah, so, the lemons then.

Again, Dr. Carson, thank you for bringing such an obvious and clear solution to what seemed like such a complicated problem. One final question?

Cape? No? Too much. You are right.