Death Becomes Her

At the age of 25, after you are the legal age to vote, buy alcohol, gamble, rent a car or even buy a house, after ALL of that your brain will finally reach full development. How absurd that we have managed to keep society intact when all our major life decisions NEED to be made before we fully realize who we are as people?!

In my case, in this year that I turn 30, I realize that my brain has developed with a flaw or anomaly. It is weirdly fixated on death. I am in NO way afraid of my own death but I seem to stress and worry A LOT about all my loved ones. My husband and I currently live in an adorable makeshift basement apartment in my 93 year old grandpas house. He can no longer live by himself and we jumped at the housing opportunity early in our marriage. This has brought to life new unknown anxieties. I find myself walking through a too quiet house, when I get home, terrified that I may find grandpa in his last moments.

I believe this is because 10 years ago, and only 11 days after my 20th birthday, my older brother faced his own mortality. He was 25 and living the life of a successful masters student. He had a loving long-time girlfriend, more close friends then he knew what to do with and a very supportive family. However, eleven days after my 20th birthday, my brother decided to take his own life. He faced his own mortality and he lost.

Okay. Lets insert some more science talk here and avoid blubbering all over my key board. Prevention.com published an article talking about the tangible evidence of grief on a brain. When brain imaging studies are done on people who are grieving, increased activity is seen along a broad network of neurons. These link areas associated not only with mood but also with memory, perception, conceptualization, and even the regulation of the heart, the digestive system, and other organs. This shows the pervasive impact loss or even disappointment can have. And the more we dwell on negative thoughts, the more developed these neural pathways become. The result can be chronic preoccupation, sadness, or even depression

Hmm. Interesting. Have I unwillingly rewired my brain so all roads lead to death? Are my pathways permanently fused like this or can I reverse it? I also cant help but notice that ALL of the linked associated areas are currently being affected by my autoimmune disease. Coincidence? Double whammy? Or was it just my grieving brain and body weakening enough to sustain a growing autoimmune concern? Anywho.. lets move on.

Psalm 39:4 Lord, remind me how brief my time on earth will be. Remind me that my days are numbered, how fleeting my life is

Where does my faith come in? Everywhere and on every page of my story. It provides the relief to my stress and calms my heart. I will see my brother again without a doubt in my mind. BUT it did not take away my grief or the importance of working through loss. Perhaps it made me more compassionate and understanding? Perhaps there is a need to suffer to grasp the vast suffering happening at any given moment in any given place?

Will I forever turn to the conclusion of death as soon as I notice a suspicious mole? When my husband is a few minutes late coming home? I hope not. That is the best answer I can seem to come up with. I certainly hope not. I need to remember the iconic words Charles M. Schulz, creator and author of Charlie Brown, and a much wiser man than I.