Punishment Doesn't Work (And Here's Why)

I grew up in a family where punishment was what happened when you did something wrong.

That probably doesnt sound strange. It wasnt cruel or unusualand Im certainly not talking about abuse.

What Im highlighting is that from an early age I was instilled with the idea of: Screw up, and you face the consequences.

• Even if you knew and understood that what you did was wrong
• Even if you did something really great afterwards

you still needed to take your punishment.

As a therapist, especially a therapist for men and fathers, Im not arguing against helping people understand that for everything they do theres a consequence. Theres a reaction to each action, a positive or a negative one. Its part of learning to take responsibility.

What struck me as I became first a teacher and then a counselor was that there were other ways to learn a lesson. You didnt always need to be punished.

I learned how the wrongs others did didnt always need to be pointed out.

The Strengths Perspective

In learning about what actually gets results I discovered that it wasnt a requirement that every bad word, every disrespectful act, and every breaking of the rules be directly addressed.

It took a while for this to sink in, though. I was still stuck on, If we dont point out all the wrongs then how will the person know their behavior is unacceptable?

Easy, said wiser people than I (kindly ignoring the arrogance in my question.) Its called the strengths perspective. The crux of this is that you look at all the things that were done right and you talk about those. You highlight, explore, and investigate those.

Two examples (Whenever I use examples they are always compilations of several clients; names are always changed as well):

George, who had been seeing me for anger issues for about seven months, came to a session disappointed in himself because that week he had gotten really angry at a guy who made a pass at his girlfriend. So angry that he saw red and started to leave his apartment to confront the other guy with the intention of putting him in the hospital. Through his girlfriend begging him to stop, my client was able to stay homeand later talk about it in therapy. He was still angry, though, that his trigger could still get so hot so fast. Still, we were able to discuss how a year ago nothing his girlfriend said would have gotten him to stay home. Something had changed and it might not have been noticed otherwise.

Simon was telling me how his fourteen-year-old son walked out of the kitchen for five minutes while he was trying to talk to him about how hes treating his sister. Simon was furious that his kid walked out. I was impressed that the kid came back.

George wanted to punish himself for still losing it and Simon thought his son should be punished for disrespect.

Because I grew up with the idea that bad behavior means that you must be punished I was able to empathize with both these feelings.

Whats Your Goal?

What did these men want to accomplish in their work with me? Was it more important that the bad behavior be called out, or that there be a change in the behavior going forward?

Once we shifted the conversation to explore how Simon had gained enough respect with a teen who, after some initial cooling off, could hear from his father all the things he didnt want to talk about, Simon was able to do some actual parenting. He learned that he could be effective as a father while allowing his son to have his own time-out.

Next time he could work this in:

• Kid, before we talk about this I want you go to your room or sit outside for a few minutes. Im going to do the same because youre probably going to get pretty upset and I want to cool off too.

George and I learned a lot by focusing on how he was able to stop himself. We then could create a better plan for future times. Which is what he really wanted anyway.

• Caveat: I want to stop here for one quick second. Violence and dangerous behaviorYes, confront it head on. Hold your child, yourself, or others accountable and dont dance around that.

I see people constantly moving away from the progress that is made in order to focus on something more primal, and I think this has to do with pride and vulnerability.

Lets take bullying for example. Many of the responses I hear about bullying are often from dads who love their child unconditionally, but feel, It happened to me, why shouldnt he have to go through it as well?

Or how many times have I heard from a parent, If I talked to my father they way he did

We carry so much anger and hurt from how we were treated that it seems outlandish that we would let a younger generation get away with something.

We disregard the research that tells us that physical discipline and emotional berating stays with us and leads to higher levels of depression and anxiety. We say, Well, I turned out ok.

But did we?

Why are we so sure that if we dont call out every bad behavior it will lead to a child whos spoiled and entitled?

Isnt there something in between?

To Punish or To Teach?

Now I am just as annoyed as others by the kids who seem to get away with everything. The ones who have parents that seem to allow flagrant disrespect towards them and other adults and peers. But constantly picking out what your child does that is wrong will backfire. Itll build up resentment, poor self-esteem and often leads to a sad, scared, or anxious adult.

How attuned are we to what our children can really hear when were disciplining?

• Do they need to hear some praise before being able to handle any constructive criticism?
• Are they secure enough in themselves so that we can be more direct?
• Are we responding to them as we wish WE were responded toor are we responding to them in the way they need?

Theyre going to be different from their brother or sister who may need to hear things in a totally different way.

Because, at the end of the day, you probably want to teach, not simply punish. You want some behaviors to diminish (or totally disappear) and others to increase.

Lets distinguish between some behaviors:

Running into traffic: Absolutely needs to stop right now. No good reason for doing that.

Talking back to an adult: Maybe take some time to explore. Is this a pattern? Is it only with Aunt Patty? Did something happen to them (say, being picked on at school today) that led to an unexpected behavior? What triggered this language? This may call for a consequenceor it may call for a better understanding of your child and the childs better understanding of themselves.

I can already hear people jumping down my throat:

Absolutely not! If shes going to talk to her aunt like that, what is she going to say in school or to a stranger? What happens when she says it to the wrong person and she gets hurt? Im not going to have a child talk like that to anyonethis needs to be nipped in the butt right now. I didnt raise my child to be like that!

I hear you. But it doesnt actually have the effect that you want.

And whats going to have your desired effect?

1. a consequence for the immediate behavior? or
2. exploring where its coming from and why?

All parents need to make this decision for themselvesand its an ongoing decision. Its a different one for each circumstance and for each child. One decision results in a lot of anger and one leads to a greater understanding. One is spurred on by anger and hurt and the other is spurred on by curiosity and compassion.

Both, though, come from love.

Conclusion

Often, theres little question that the adults I work with love their children. Unfortunately, love as the motivation isnt enough. You will greatly benefit from knowing yourself, knowing your motivations and knowing your intentions.

You may discover, both for yourself and for your children, that just looking at the behavior and saying, This has to stop! wont be as beneficial as finding out what is motivating that behavior in the first place. And a punishment may not be as helpful as we were raised to think it would be.

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This post was originally published on The Good Men Project and is republished here with the permission of the author.

Justin Lioi, LCSW, Counselor for Men

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