20 Of The Funniest Tweets About Married Life (Oct. 3-9)

My husband forgot the term frat guys and just called them sorority bros and Im going to need a minute

— meghan (@deloisivete) October 5, 2023

Sometimes, for fun, I like to mouth words to my husband when he's wearing earbuds. When he stops to ask me what I said, I just say 'forget it' and storm off.

— sixfootcandy (@sixfootcandy) October 9, 2023

Before we got married my husband did not own a swimsuit (swam in basketball shorts), a waterproof coat (he wore hoodies in the snow), or actual pajama pants.

— emily (@emilykmay) October 9, 2023

"Am I cute enough to get away with wearing something ugly?"

-My Husband yesterday, looking through my clothes to find something to wear for our evening walk with the dogs

— Eli McCann (@EliMcCann) October 6, 2023

After nine years of marriage, I can always guess what's bothering my wife. I'm never right, but I can always guess.

— Henpecked Hal (@HenpeckedHal) October 6, 2023

I need a strapping man or woman to come fireman carry me upstairs to bed and brush my teeth. No weirdos (which is why my husband can't do it)

— mean things I say to myself (@meantomyself) October 6, 2023

Once married the woman takes over the entire closet and the man stores everything he owns in his left cargo pocket

— Vinod Chhaproo (@Chhapiness) October 5, 2023

I convinced my husband to have dinner at 5pm so we could get home at a reasonable time, and our transformation into cute elderly couple is almost complete.

— krista pacion (@kristabellerina) October 8, 2023

if i ever go missing i hope im not in plain sight or else my husband will never find me

— nika (@nikalamity) October 7, 2023

me: good morning

wife: morning

me: how'd you sleep

wife: like trash. stfu i know you slept *gReAt* don't talk to me.

— Dadman Walking (@dadmann_walking) October 4, 2023

Every time I have to call my husband Daddy a piece of my soul dies

— The Mom Hack (@TheMomHack) October 3, 2023

If a video on my phone starts accidentally making noise in the night I turn it off and pretend to wake up startled with my wife. Shes like What was that??? And Im all fake-groggy: Sounded like a squirrel eating a whole thing of blueberries while a cat yelled from a window?

— Heather Hogan (@theheatherhogan) October 5, 2023

Husband: How old am I turning?

Me: 45.

Husband: You sure?

Me: I mean I was.

— Mommeh Thee Dearest (@mommeh_dearest) October 4, 2023

Engaging in marital warfare by loudly stirring my yogurt in a glass jar to retaliate against my husband for offensively slurping his cereal.

— SpacedMom (@copymama) October 4, 2023

A haunted house, but its just a husband swallowing his words while his wife yells WHAT??? for the rest of their lives

— Anna (@AnnaDoesntWant2) October 8, 2023

My wife is yelling at Alexa because she isnt listening and its been a nice little bonding moment between me and Alexa.

— Daddy Go Fish (@daddygofish) October 6, 2023

Sure its challenging when my husband travels for work but you know what isnt? Using all his pillows in addition to my own

— The Mom Hack (@TheMomHack) October 6, 2023

"Mmm" is what the non-morning spouse says back to the other when engaged

— Draggin Father Behind (@DragginFatherB) October 5, 2023

My wife always comes back from Target and says "You're going to be proud of me", as if she didn't just drop $200 on discounted stuff like cat food. We don't even have a cat.

— My Life As Dad (@milifeasdad) October 4, 2023

Husband: You always want the last word.

Me: No I dont.

Husband: Youre doing it right now.

*thinking*
Dont say anything
Dont say anything

Me: No I dont.

— sixfootcandy (@sixfootcandy) October 4, 2023