Secret to peaceful parenting is to never tell your child the plans for the day

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Stepping down from my job to devote myself full time to reading the emails from my kids schools

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Neighbor: hey is everything okay theres a lot of yelling in your backyard

Me: yeah the kids are just attempting to play a game together

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When my 4-year-old gets mad at someone in our family she draws a family picture without them. That's the pettiest thing I've ever seen.

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Lets get married and have kids so instead of relaxing during weeknights we can go to seven practices and relearn algebra.

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Dads just want one thing and its to have everyone believe theyre just resting their eyes when they are clearly sleeping

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My son has been taking money out of my purse and storing it in a plastic bag and hiding it in a book. He is 3. I asked why - he goes dont worry, thats just my secret money. He has $43. WTF.

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why cant there be a school picture package with only 1 big picture and 3 medium ones? has anyone in existence used up 52 wallet sized pics of their kids?

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pic.twitter.com/q1H1GxvnOA

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My 5-year-old: Grandma is so nice!

Me: [mutters] maybe to you.

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If the kids cant find something I say I think its in the car then I sit in the car for 10 minutes on my own pretending to look for it

Parent level: expert

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Because I was on a call and could not get her a snack, the six year old handed me a note that said I hate this stupid dumb world, I want to be happy and I am not so I guess shell be a literary fiction writer

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A Tinder style app that helps parents find other parents to drink with

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My son has been sick (not Covid) and shout out to my mom, who loaned us the SAME pot of Vicks she used to use on me growing up.

Expiration date 1-87 pic.twitter.com/LqWx3LYI2c

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Im Mom. You might remember me from such hits as Everyone in the Car and its sequel What Do You Mean You Forgot to Wear Shoes.

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Parenting is about lovingly tucking your kids into bed at night and still waking up with a small foot on your face.

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Trying to decide on a school portrait package thats somewhere between I care but I dont need my sons face on a kitchen towel.

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Tell me you have kids without telling me you have kids pic.twitter.com/tRhRjaTd97

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when my kids walk in on me eating my snack stash pic.twitter.com/PJCWzoOHA2

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I caught my 9-year-old helping my 5-year-old with her math homework.

When they noticed I was watching, they started fighting.

Have to keep up appearances.

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My 8yo was playing science lab, spilled some concoction on the floor, and made a sign saying caution: wet floor instead of wiping it up, parenting is friggin ridiculous

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My kid has Monday off for what school is calling Family Connection Time. Ive had 5 years and 3 summer months of that. Take my kid.

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Been feeling a little moody and run down lately, so I googled my symptoms to see what I might have.

Its kids. I have kids.

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