Having more than one kid is awesome because you figure out all these great tricks to raise the first kid, and then none of them work for the second.

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Im barely awake and already my toddler is crying because I wont put him in the trash can

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grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings

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when you've just gotten the kids to sleep and your spouse comes crashing into the room pic.twitter.com/G3H1J0Esfd

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no one:

my 5 year old: i know that guy in blues clues isnt really talking to me because one time he asked me to do something and i said no and he said thanks

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I just had to tell my 5-year-old not to walk down the stairs with a bucket over her head, so I think we can stop saving for college.

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Me: Do you want a pillow?

4 year old: I love your blood and bones.

Me: Soyes?

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My 4yo just fell over some toys he left lying around and I believe this is what they call poetic justice

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Friend's 3 yr old: DO YOU THINK I'M A DOLLAR BILL?!

Me:

Friend, *embarrassed*: He means \"adorable\"

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Told my toddler I love her and she laughed and said I know so I think I just got owned Han Solo style by my own offspring

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I always wanted to be a dad whose kids can open up and share their thoughts and worries with, no matter what, but I just finished reading my 4 year old a bedtime story and he said daddy, I dont like your silly voices when you read and now hes dead to me

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Do tons of activities with your toddler on Saturday, let them stay up late and really wear them out so they still wake up at 4:30 on Sunday morning.

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My son told me Im a mean mommy and I have to shop at the mean mommy store. Do you think its Target? I hope its Target.

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I dont know the names of my kids classmates but thankfully Im a dad so no one thinks anything of it if I just call everyone buddy and you with the hair

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If you enjoy being micro-managed by miniature versions of yourself, parenting is for you.

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Ah, Fallmy favorite time of year. Or as I like to call it, Not today, but put it on your Christmas list season.

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Call me old-fashioned but Im not afraid to completely dominate my kid in Mario Kart.

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The most rewarding part of going through the months of pregnancy, a long labor and surviving toddlerhood is when your teen starts calling you bro

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I like to think I'm an easy-going parent. Until I bring my kids to a public restroom.

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Congrats on your kid turning 2. You are now the proud parent of a middle finger with feet.

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Want to make your teenager angry? Ask them a question. Any question.

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Kids too energetic? Make them go on a walk with you and theyll suddenly be unable to move any part of their body.

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