Why would I pay for a haunted house when I can wake up to my kid silently standing by my bed at 3 AM.

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My 4yo asked why we dont get other people to cook our meals, clean our house and drive us around and I think she just invented being rich

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Im looking for a school picture package thats more than 4 wallets and less than 54 wallets & a wall mural.

Jessie (@mommajessiec) October 13, 2021","type":"rich","meta":{"author":"Jessie","author_url":"https://twitter.com/mommajessiec","cache_age":86400,"description":"Im looking for a school picture package thats more than 4 wallets and less than 54 wallets & a wall mural. 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Nobody is more drunk with power than a 6-year-old telling Alexa to do anything.

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what i think i will do with extra time: exercise, read a book, clean my house, take kids on a fun adventure

what i actually do: scroll the same 4 apps on my phone til im late to make dinner

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I call it orange soda cause its orange and soda

-My 4yo inventing orange soda

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My child that just screamed at me for 15 minutes to go away is now screaming for me to come lay down with him, parenting is fun

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Shout-out to toddlers.

Seriously, it's the only way to get them to listen.

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Why did they call it a diaper blowout and not a shituation.

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When I forget about the little makeover my kids gave me and leave to run errands pic.twitter.com/olqYE6Ynxk

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If you like being told by your kid at 7:25 that he has to be At School by 7:40, teen parenting may be for you!

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Its just not a big deal, said my clearly delusional husband when he switched the kids lunch boxes

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11-year-old: That outfit looks nice.

Me: Thanks.

11: Just not on you.

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it's always my fault that my kids shoes are always lost. at least this is what 6 believes with every fiber of his being.

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Oh good, my kid got a small cut and wiped his hand on the wall, so now the house has a taste for blood

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Parenting is about having open communication with your kids, mostly through a closed bathroom door.

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Pretty ironic that the fact that my daughter is expected to dress in a different theme each day for anti-violence and drug awareness weeks at school makes me want to both commit violence and do drugs.

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My daughter is telling me what she would buy if she was in charge of the grocery shopping. So far its been 47 snack cake brands and deviled eggs

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Me when my first kid was in kindergarten: *wore slippers to pick up on accident*

Me when my fourth kid was in kindergarten: *wore slippers to pick up on purpose*

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Aquaphor is the Franks hot sauce of parenting world

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My daughter just asked me to go in a corn maze with her, and now she is telling me stories about serial killers, and if I don't make it out she is definitely my favorite child and also probably the killer

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my daughter kept trying to interrupt my work call to tell me something so I put my boss on hold to listen to her (because that's called priorities) and then she forgot what she wanted to say (and that's called having kids)

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