Getting by

I met an old coworker for coffee last week. We worked together when I was in client service and stayed friends over the last few years. We talked about the firm and about work, and she gave me the update on my old team. Then she asked me - very honestly but intently - how I was doing.

I think she saw the smile start to form on my face and the one-liner joke I was about to come back with, and she said preemptively - no I'm being serious. The fact is - she probably knew the answer before she asked the question, but asked anyway.

At the time, I didn't really know what to say. Over the past year, our life has become a series of prepared one-liners - one day at a time, Stella's hanging in, praying for the best, etc. But the fact is - some days and some weeks are just really rough. Sick, scary, scream in the shower rough. But some are good. Pee your pants laughing, milestone hitting, thank God good. As my dad would say - we bank those days.

We're trying to laugh louder than we scream.

It's been a year since our world got turned upside down. People say - "I don't know how you do it." The truth is it doesn't feel like we are "doing it." It feels like every minute of every day, we are just getting by. But getting by counts - doesn't it?

Our Oncologist warned us - the hardest day for parents is diagnosis day. The second hardest day is when the treatment ends.

It's so easy to lose yourself in the disease. To let it take over, consume your life. Cancer has stripped so much from us this year.

I will have waited 379 days to get the news I am hoping and praying for. I will have been preparing for this day for 379 days. For 9,096 hours. But now that it's finally getting close, I feel so unprepared. So scared. So ready. But so out of control.

Cancer has ruled our house and kept us captive, holding our breath for 379 days. How do we even begin to get back to normal? How do we go about getting our lives back?

As my cancer mom friend explained - life without cancer is more of an unknown than life with cancer. How the hell did that happen?

Again - no clear answer on this one. What I do know is that we will get through it. We have to. With our village - the amazing force of people who been with us for the last 379 days, with our amazing doctors, and for me - with Rosie, Stella and Scott. They will get me through it. They will get me by. And getting by counts - one day at a time, we will hang in, and pray for the best.