Why This Stepmom Didn't Try To Win Over Her Stepkids

As part of our Blended Family Friday series, each week we spotlight a different stepfamily to learn how they've worked to bring their two families together. Our hope is that by telling their stories, we'll bring you closer to blended family bliss in your own life! Want to share your family's story? Email us at divorce@huffingtonpost.com .

As a stepparenting coach, Erin Careless instructs others to let their relationships with their stepkids form naturally. The way she sees it, just being the kids' friend will work a lot better than trying to "win" them over. It's an approach Careless has used firsthand.

"I remember when I asked my fiancé's daughter Waverleigh what she thought of me living with them and she told me, 'It’s awesome because you’re fun and Dad loves you and we really like you and you’re nice and you play with me.' In the end, what else can you ask for?" 

Below, Careless, who lives in Dartmouth, Nova Scotia and blogs at Steplife , tells us how she and her fiancé brought their stepfamily together. 

Hi Erin! Please introduce us to your family. How long have you and your fiancé been together?

Our family is made up of my fiancé Matt, his 9-year-old son Oliver and his 7-year-old daughter Waverleigh, me and our kitty Prudence. Matt and I met through an online dating site in May 2014. We moved in together that October and became engaged this August! It’s been a whirlwind of the best kind.

What was it like becoming a stepmom to Matt's kids? What work went into developing a relationship with the kids and their mom? 

My relationship with the kids was very simple when we first met. I would meet the three of them at the beach or join them for dinner at his place, but at the end of the night I went home. When we moved in together, everything changed. All of a sudden I was there for the bedtimes, bath times, meal times, chicken pox, stomach flu and tantrums. It was like moving to a country where you don’t speak the language and you’re trying your best to pick up phrases and join in the conversation! Coming into a fully formed family made me feel like a bit of an outsider, although the kids were sweet and easy to get along with.

Over time, I felt like they began to trust me and feel more comfortable around me. They would snuggle with me during movie nights, ask me for help with spelling and when we watched Matt coach soccer, our three camping chairs turned into two empty chairs and the kids on my lap. I took my relationship with the kids slow and steady, and while their mom and I are civil and have met a few times, most of the communication goes through my fiancé, which is easier for everyone.

What are some of the biggest challenges of blended family life? What's one specific problem you've faced time and time again and how have you dealt with it?

One of our biggest challenges has been dealing with differing parenting styles. Matt is so easygoing and relaxed, where I am a total Type-A-control-schedule monster. I envisioned running a household with children very differently than his TV, video games, no bedtime approach, which was fun but not very structured. He was always very agreeable to my suggested rules, but it would fall by the wayside unless I reminded him. This was a huge struggle for me, as I felt like the kids thrived with some predictability but I hated being a nag. Eventually I decided to step back and leave the parenting to the parent which was hard for me but I knew I couldn’t continue life as a nagging partner. Then, after some hard discussions, Matt came up with his own way to enforce routine and chores for the kids, and I can’t lie, it’s much more successful than my approach! Seeing him step up like that makes me love him even more because I know he’s doing it for all of us.   

What makes you proudest of your family?

There will always be challenges so I try to focus on each success, no matter how big or small. When we told the kids that we were getting married, they were really excited and happy which filled my heart to bursting. I think one of the advantages of being a stepmom is that you have the privilege of getting to know kids without the pressure of full-on parenting. I still cook for them, read them bedtime stories and try to influence their lives in positive ways, but I’ll never take the place of their mom or dad.

I’m proud of the kids for being amazing little people and so proud of my partner for making me feel like I belong in this family -- my family -- our family. 

What advice do you have for other stepmoms or stepdads struggling to find their place within their new family?
Every situation is unique, but as a stepmom coach I do have a few suggestions for 'steps.' First, always practice self-care. You can’t be everything to everyone and sometimes stepmoms go overboard trying to 'win over' their stepkids. This will backfire. Be yourself and be kind but make sure to keep doing the things you love. Not only will this prevent you from smothering your stepkids but it also sets a good example for others when they see you taking care of yourself. If you find yourself frustrated by a situation that does not seem to be changing, set up a boundary to protect yourself. And most importantly, communicate with each other! Make sure to share your feelings, expectations, frustrations and successes with your partner and if you’re lucky like I am, your S.O. will do whatever it takes to keep the ship running on course. Most of the time, anyway!

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