How to Conquer Bullying with Empathy and Connection

After hearing about the horrific story of 13-year-old Danny Fitzpatrick’s recent suicide , I decided we all need to do something more, and it starts with raising awareness. Most people have been bullied at some point during their childhood—some mildly, some severely, but all can agree that being bullied is something they never forget, as it lives in their minds forever. I know this because some of my earliest memories are of being bullied at school.

My family moved to Austria when I was four years old. If you ask me about the house we lived in, or what our neighborhood looked like, I would tell you I don’t remember. But if you ask me about the school I went to, and what our desks and halls looked like, I can describe them in detail. Why? Because a young girl bullied me in class every day and I remember those times like they happened just yesterday. German was not my first language; I was shy and refused to speak in school. The bully tormented me every day because of this, calling me stupid and stealing toys from my cubby. Remember, I was only four! I went home crying many times­—to this day, I remember how it felt.

Thankfully, in those days, there was no Internet; victims of bullying could escape their tormenters after school hours. But today, the world is a different place. Cyberbullying has become very common; it accounts for serious depression in teens who feel hopeless. Suicide from bullying is becoming more prominent with many teens saying that suicidal thoughts cross their minds because they feel alone and have no way to escape the pain.

When I started researching why young people feel so helpless and can’t stand up to their bullies, I learned there is no federal law against bullying, making it hard to hold bullies accountable for their actions. In addition, some adults view bullying as coming-of-age behavior. They were bullied. Their friends were bullied. They say, “It’s just something children do.” Wrong. It’s a learned behavior that can be unlearned. There are many ways to discourage bullying.

Talk to children about bullying from a young age.

Parents need to talk to their children about bullying, discuss its effects, and what it means to be a bully. Some children are aggressive and angry by nature; they need to know the right ways to express those feelings. As I experienced first-hand, children as young as three or four years old can bully their peers. It’s never too early to teach your children the right way to play with, respect, and speak to others. It’s also important to encourage them to talk about their experiences if they become a victim of bullying. Usually, victims feel ashamed and embarrassed; they don’t think there’s anyone to talk to at home. If you encourage them to report what’s happening, you can get help for them before it turns into a big problem.

If a child is a bully, find the cause and correct it.

Studies suggest that bullying can be caused by many different circumstances . Sometimes it is a learned behavior that a child picks up from a parent, sibling, or close family member at home. Children imitate the way their role models treat people and situations. They think this reaction is normal because they don’t know any better. Look at your behavior and analyze how you react to people. Are you a bully? If your child copies you, don’t just tell them it’s wrong—change your behavior. If your children bully each other, don’t allow it—stop the behavior immediately.

Teach children about the consequences of their actions.

Children should always understand that treating others in a way they wouldn’t want to be treated is wrong. Bad actions, mean words, and physically harming their peers have consequences. Explain what consequences are, and make sure your child understands you are not just talking about punishment. Help them get into the mind of a victim and visualize how that person may feel when they are ridiculed, harmed, or feel alone and ashamed.

Encourage empathy.

Psychologists believe bullying can be reduced when caregivers encourage empathy in very young children. Teach children to understand their feelings, and let them know that it’s okay to talk about how they feel. Every child should feel loved and cared for. Educate them about kindness, confidence, and tolerance; emphasize that they don’t need to exert power over others. Instead of putting others down, encourage them to explore abilities or activities that interest them.

Urge schools to implement rules against bullying.

Recently, schools have been catching up to the problem of bullying, which is becoming an epidemic. With encouragement from parents, principals may be more inclined to implement rules against bullying—and actually enforce them. It’s not enough to tell a child to stop and put them in “alone time.” This encourages isolation, which may be the cause of the child’s bullying behavior. Mandatory counseling for bullies (and victims) should be required, as well as informing both parents about the situation. Sometimes parents want to be involved, but their children don’t tell them what’s going on at school. On the other hand, if you know your child is a bully, and you can’t fix the problem yourself, don’t ignore it or be ashamed to tell a school counselor or therapist. They are trained in child psychology and are skilled at getting children to talk about and understand their feelings and actions, which will help them to change their behavior for the better.

Sadly, being bullied was one of the earliest experiences I can remember. In my case, it increased my shyness as I grew up; I wasn’t able to confront the feelings of insecurity that my bully made me feel. Many victims will tell you that they remain haunted and affected by their experiences—even decades later. This doesn’t have to be (and shouldn’t be) the case. The problem of bullying should be something we take pride in talking about, as raising awareness will eventually eradicate it in our children.