How to Have a Crappy Conversation

This week brought an interesting theme. Two of my colleagues and me - all found ourselves in a universally dreaded situation.

We had to have crappy conversations. And they Stressed. Us. Out. (Nooooo sleeping here.)

• Colleague #1? He had to tell his somewhat-non-performing staff member who really loved working from homethat he would no longer be permitted to work from home.

• Colleague #2? She had to tell her co-worker that, due to multiple customer complaints, she needed to tone down her very-strong-and-somewhat-mushroomy-smelling perfume.

• And me? I had to end a relationship with a client who was no longer the right fit.

Crappy conversations can involve our professional lives (like disciplining an employee, leaving a job, or advocating for ourselves in some way) or our personal ones (like ending/addressing a relationship issue, stepping away from a group, oradvocating for ourselves in some way).

For many of us, that moment when we realize a face-to-face crappy conversation is in our future, our stomach seizes up a bit. We put these talks off, yet continue to obsess about the words well usewhich all feel wrong.

Why do so many of us hate crappy conversations?

Because were nice people, and we dont want to hurt someones feelings or put them in an awkward position.

Also, crappy conversations are uncertain. While we can choose our own words, there is no telling how the other person will respond. There could be crying. There could be yelling. There could be worse (which weve imagined while lying awake at night, thinking about all of the possible scenarios).

Yet these crappy conversations must be had. After all, something has told you that it is time to confront someone, and its about something importantwhich is why its stressing you out.

Sowhat to do when the time comes? Just how to have that crappy conversation?

A few steps to help guide the way

Deirdres Guide to Crappy Conversations

• First, pat yourself on the back. Many people talk themselves right out of crappy conversations, but youre not. Youve got guts.

• Since you can only control what you say (and not how they react) choose your words carefully. Be thoughtful, be kind if you can, but also be firm. Crappy conversations arent usually about two-way debate as much as addressing an issue, setting a boundary, or communicating a decision. Plan for I statements (Ive decided this or I need you to address this works way better than You arent doing this correctly or You let me down). If it's appropriate, start by naming that this is a hard conversation to set the tone. Also, plan for bullet points. A script sounds like a rehearsed scene...not a conversation.

• Cut to the chase. Crappy conversations can and should often be the quickest talks you have. If you ramble out a long list of reasons or have a huge-build up, youre true reasoning will get lost. Plus, chances are youll lose the other person after 30 seconds anyway as theyll already be in their own heads, planning their response or rebuttal.

• Do them ASAP. Dont obsess for weeks. Itll drive you crazy. And on the big day, do it early. Youre awesome for doing this, so get it over with.

• Make it impossible to chicken out. Let the other person know ahead of time that you want to talk to them at a certain time. Dont make it a big deal, necessarily, because you dont want them freaking out. And dont give up the goods ahead of time. Do it on your terms, in your timing.

• Give them room to respond, but not debate. Avoid defending or justifying yourself over and over. Theres no reason to if you were clear from the start.

• Pat yourself on the back. When its done, no matter how it goes down, give yourself some credit already. You did what others wont, so feel good if you can.

Thats what we all tried to do this week.

So how did those crappy conversations go? An update:

• Colleague #1s went okay. He was thoughtful, kind and firm in his delivery, and most importantly his staff member isnt working from home anymore.

• Colleague #2s went okay, though not quite as well. She was thoughtful, kind and firm in her delivery and, while the woman didnt react quite as positively most importantly she wont be using that perfume anymore.

• And me? It went okay, too. I was thoughtful, kind and firm. And, while it appears this professional relationship is fairly damaged, I still know I did the right thing.

Whatever the case, we all felt good, if not a bit crappy, when it was over.

And we all slept a whole lot better.

PS: Thanks to Andy G for the awesome pic of our very-awake baby!