Why The 'DTR' Conversation Is So Hard To Have In Modern Relationships

Defining the relationship (or DTR, for short) is all but a rite of passage in modern-day dating, but up until recently, I’d somehow gotten through life without having to experience it.

I spent the bulk of my 20s in a relationship. In college, my S.O. and I happily slid into a relationship, neither of us ever having to utter those three dreaded words: What. Are. We.

Currently single, I find I’m still dodging the question. I don’t like to ask. The last almost-quasi-relationship I was in a situation-ship, if you will was lovely but ill-defined and maybe short-lived because of that.

I wanted to be the cool girl who could live with ambiguity. I was genuinely busy at the time, and fine with whatever we were, even if what we were was uncertain and vague. As for what he wanted, well, I never did quite get a handle on that because I never explicitly asked.

As it were, we danced around defining the relationship until there was seemingly no chance of a relationship at all. Turns out, calling a thing a thing helps.

It’s a common scenario, especially among millennials, said Aimee Hartstein , a psychotherapist who practices in New York City and over Skype.

“I’ve seen so many people avoid the question and end up really upset and hurt when they realize that they are on a very different page from the person that they’re dating,” she told HuffPost.

You want things to evolve without a timetable, but dictating the terms of the relationship is essential, especially if you’re already a little wary of where you stand.

“I tell my clients, once you find yourself dating someone and after a few weeks or months you start to really like them, it’s time to have the conversation about what this is and where this is going,” Hartstein said. 

Some of us don’t DTR because we’re confused by the ‘paradox of choice’

DTR is nothing new. It’s always been a struggle to figure out where you stand, but it’s a much murkier consideration today. With dating apps, finding love in 2019 is both easier and harder than it was 20 years ago. Hinge, Bumble and all the other apps give us almost endless choices for who we can date. While that’s not inherently a bad thing, the breadth of choices has made us pickier and less decisive. 

Clearly, we’d all benefit from a little radical honesty  while dating. Be upfront about what you want out of the relationship or hookup situation and ask the same of who you’re dating.

If you’re actively doing that, there will be no room for the “What are we?” conversation to crop up in the first place, said Nadia Dalbani , a life coach currently residing in Dubai. 

“Ambiguity in our relationships happens because we allow it to happen,” she said. “Most of the time we know what we want, we are just afraid to ask for it. If you’re on Bumble searching for the love of your life, say it. It sounds simple, but it’s a problem that many of my clients face.”

It’s a rookie mistake to expect people to come into your life with a full understanding of what you’re looking for, but we do it anyway. That’s why Dalbani thinks we’re all so prone to “what are we” conversations.

How do you have the conversation, anyway?

Unless you’re blissfully instantly both certain you want to be together, DTR isn’t likely something you can table. Don’t wait for your partner to dictate the terms. Do it yourself, when you’re ready to take the relationship to the next level.

Steel your nerves, be transparent about your feelings and ask open-ended, nonconfrontational questions to determine your S.O.’s thoughts.

Ignorance really isn’t bliss, especially in relationships.

“Look, this is going to be a tough conversation to have even in the best of circumstances,” Hartstein said. “You’re really putting yourself out there while dating. As hard as it is to hear, you are so much better off knowing early on if they want the same things as you.”