How Trauma Therapy Saved My Future Relationships

Any idiot can have a kid and parenting is a privilege; not a right. These two statements have really stuck with me over the past year.

Like many, I grew up in a divorced family. Schlepped back and forth from mom to dad, feeling as if I had to pick a side, knowing the distain between my parents... none of that was fun. None of that was what I wanted for my future children. Fast forward to 2017 and here I am facing my worst fear, one of the major things that I never wanted my daughter to face; the demise of our nuclear family.

I began dating my daughters father when I was 20 and he was 18. Two kids living the college life, no major adult responsibilities. Ive often heard (and seen) that men take longer to mature than women. I waited for my ex to catch up and he did in many ways, but the ways he did not catch up were detrimental to our family and my mental health. It took 10 months (and counting) of childhood trauma therapy to fully realize where I was and how I got there.

Growing up with an alcoholic parent , a terminally ill sibling, and caretaker fatigued mother; I faced a lot of trauma, instability, and turmoil during my adolescent years. Despite the trauma, I truly do love these people and accept them for who they are because their stuff was not about me. Through individual and group trauma therapy (thank God for Patrick Teahan Therapy , if youre in the Boston area I highly recommend him), I realized that what I faced wasnt about me, to stop blaming myself, and to re-parent my inner child. Do I have emotional scars; of course. I was diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder as a teenager and many ghosts still haunt me, but through ongoing hard work, my wounds do not need to define my future.

Throughout different romantic relationships, my trauma continued to shape my decisions. I was fine with bare minimum partners that put in little effort. When a man would make even the slightest effort, the high of that reward made it worth it. I loved the hyper vigilant chase and I was addicted to it. I was subconsciously drawn to men with an absence of adult in them and then I was massively triggered in those moments when they displayed lack of responsibility.

I had to play the mom role; laying out the plans, teaching right from wrong, self-sacrificing, babysitting mens feelings when they often showed a blatant lack of disregard for mine, jumping back to showing them unconditional love no matter how severe their mistakes were, and excessively accepting and forgiving of their bad behavior. I would stuff away the hurt to move forward. Next time they screwed up again, my pain would bubble right back up even more intense than the last time. Often one-sided, unpredictable, sometimes emotionally or physically abusive relationships felt comfortable, addictive, and similar to a relationship with an alcoholic parent.

Through work in trauma therapy, I was able to truly see that I had been setting myself up time and time again. I was constantly overly optimistic in hoping that someday these people would turn it around and show up in the way that I needed. I waited on incapable people that could talk the talk but rarely walk the walk for long. I gave more credit than was deserved. I was constantly selling myself short in what I was worth and literally making myself crazy placing my faith and hope in people that didnt earn it. Not to say that these individuals I had chosen were bad people, but they each had their own major unresolved issues that prevented them for being able to provide a healthy relationship for another person.

I was drawn to the wounded birds and they were drawn to me because they subconciously knew I would accept them. I historically loved and gave to those wounded birds that could rarely meet the needs of a healthy relationship. Liars, cheaters, addicts, and abusers found their way to me, even when I was sure those warning signs werent there in the beginning.

In the past year, I started to look at the bigger picture. I asked myself, am I crazy? I mean, I am a little crazy, most of us humans are! But I had to take a look at my environments, the company I kept, and how I was raised to think that what I knew to be okay wasnt okay. What I was comfortable with wasnt healthy. What I accepted of others was often at my own expense. I know Im not perfect; I can be sarcastic, sharp, angry, and go into a lecture rant that my counselor likes to call lawyer mode. Im majorly triggered to these big feelings by closeness to unsafe people and I need to stay away from them in order to maintain my best self.

Since becoming a mother, I wanted to keep my family together more than anything. I wanted to raise my daughter in a home with mom and dad, in a healthy relationship that demonstrates love. On the fathering front, I saw effort, progress, love, and a young guy that was doing the best he could; I appreciated any effort big or small when it came to the little one. On the relationship side, I was patient, accepting, and helpful until I realized that excuses were piled to the ceiling and words often meant nothing in comparison to actions. I got to the end of my rope.

Over time, my love turned to resentment, anger, hurt, and I was fed up. I needed to stop showing up for someone that couldnt consistently show up as an adult for me. I needed to see consistent love, acceptance, honesty, and adult level responsibility. I tried anything and everything to get these things; but at the end of the day I had to accept that the recurring deficits werent about me. Sometimes you have to accept people for their demonstrated limitedness, move on, and maybe hold onto a little hope that someday that person will get it.

In life, blame is a horrible thing; it shouldnt exist. I dont want to blame certain people for my PTSD; but many factors of trauma at various points in my life contributed to my diagnosis. My daughter is about to turn three and her dad and I have called it quits. At times I blamed him and at times I blamed myself; but theres no use in any of that.

If you get anything from this piece, please remember that life is too precious to settle for any relationship where your fulfilling needs cant be met and your values arent fully respected. Someone that reaches to hold your hand only twice over many years probably isnt the love of your life.

Through trauma work and various life lessons, Ive learned to stay far away from men that have significant unresolved trauma. Men that are not willing to get intensive and continuous help in order to heal their own emotional scarring. These men dont fully know who they are, theyre incapable of being their true authentic self , and theyre incapable of truly loving someone in a fully healthy way. As someone that is fully dedicated to healing my trauma, one of the biggest mistakes I can make is being close with individuals that are incapable of doing the same.

If you have significant unresolved trauma that you want to heal;

1. Youre a badass for acknowledging that you need help.
2. I wish for you to seek out the gifts of healing that Ive been receiving.
3. You need to stop hurting yourself and others with the dysfunctions youve been exposed to by unsafe people.

Find a therapist that specializes in the area youre struggling in. Maybe try some Reiki sessions for spiritual healing. Do some reading. A few great books that have been recommended to me during the work are Dealing with the CrazyMakers in Your Life: Setting Boundaries on Unhealthy Relationships by Dr. David Hawkins and more specifically for childhood trauma, Homecoming: Reclaiming and Championing Your Inner Child * by John Bradshaw. Another great find I came across was Scary Close: Dropping the Act and Finding True Intimacy by Don Miller.

Finally, if youre trying to make a lasting positive change in your life, dont beat yourself up if you regress from time to time; it can be a long term process. Take each setback with a growth mindset, focus on healing yourself, and know that you deserve to give and receive the greatest love... youll just need to consistently dedicate yourself to the work it takes to get there.

(*The Bradshaw book may be triggering to individuals that have not done much trauma therapy work).