I Can't Defend Warren G. Harding Anymore.

HuffPost Comedy Readers,

My name is John. I'm a writer, a brother, and (up until this morning) a loyal fan and defender of Warren G. Harding.

This morning, it was reported  that DNA evidence confirmed Warren G. Harding did indeed father a child with his mistress Nan Britton -- putting an end to the mystery that plagued his name and extremely popular legacy. Obviously, this came as a complete shock to people like me (“The Hardheads”) who have fought tooth and nail to promote what we thought was the truth of the matter. But the facts are the facts. Warren let me down and I can no longer stand with him. 

In retrospect, I feel so blind. I mean The Library of Congress released letters he shared with another mistress he had named Carrie Phillips, so I knew he was the “mistress” type. And I had heard that Warren asked Ms. Britton to destroy letters that they had sent to each other. But honestly I thought that was some insane story brewed up by the 1920’s media which always defended the woman and never the President of the United States of America. I guess I didn’t want to see all this clear evidence because Warren G. Harding had done so much for me in my life, ya know?

I'm even more embarrassed because I started "The Hardheads" (a collective of like minded-Warren-G-Harding-super-fanboys) because I agreed with his principals of normalcy and FAMILY values. What a joke. Also I stopped watching "Boardwalk Empire" because they featured this scandal as a side plot. It was my favorite show at the time. Guess I have a lot of catching up do to.

I NAMED MY DOG WARREN! I can't name him something else now! That's what he thinks his name is! He'll go insane. But still, his identity won't be as shattered as mine at this current moment. I'm not even sure of my last name. Gronk? Smitty?

Psh ... who cares.

Now I must carry on. I must find a new hero to guide me. I hear Ben Affleck is a good dude!

I know I'm not alone. So I want to end my letter by saying that I'm here if you all need somebody to talk to about this. Please share your story of how this news affected you in the comments section. I promise that not one comment will go unanswered. 

Sincerely, 

John Trowbridge

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