Lesser Known Superheroes

BRANMAN: Possessor of one of the most unusual and useless superpowers, Branman can consume enormous amounts of fiber without ever getting the runs. While this ability has no application to crime fighting, Branman has built up a cult following among the American Academy of Gastroenterology.

DELTAMAN: Deltaman has all the powers of Superman, except he cannot fly nonstop. No matter where hes needed, even if its just a block away, he has to first fly to Atlanta, where he always has a two hour layover.

Rabbi Meir Hertzfeld was accidentally exposed to gamma rays while officiating at a Yizkor service. Now when he gets angry, he morphs into THE KVETCH, a man with superhuman strength, but a constant stream of complaints (My tallis itches, The mikvah was cold, I bought the unsalted matzos by mistake.) He protects the Beverlywood section of Los Angeles from crime, but never stops bitching about it. His catchphrase: Oy, my back.

RETROWOMAN: She has all the superpowers of Supergirl, but is focused entirely on domestic chores. She uses her xray vision to reheat leftovers, her superspeed to clean the entire house in under a minute, and her superbreath to dryclean her husbands suits, often getting them back the same day.

TURTLEMAN: Bitten by a pet turtle as a little boy, Lawrence Cutler developed a shell-like skin that makes him practically invincible. But he is very slow to the crime scene. Nine times out of ten the crime has been solved, the perpetrator tried and convicted, and often already out on parole by the time Turtleman gets there.

THE CYCLONE: He can spin so fast, he creates winds the equivalent of a cat 5 hurricane. Unfortunately, he operates out of New Orleans, so every time he uses his superpower, the city floods.

SUPERTRANS: Born Superboy, at a very early age he identified as Supergirl. Beloved by the people of Metropolis for keeping them safe, the City Council is still debating which bathroom she can use.

THE BRAIN: Accidentally run under the grocery store self-checkout scanner as a baby, Irving Pepler developed superhuman intelligence. He can perform complex calculations faster than the fastest computer. He has memorized every book ever written. He speaks every language known to man. He need only look at a single photo of a crime scene, and in less than a minute can not only solve the crime, but provide the names, addresses, and social security numbers of the perpetrators. Sadly, he has no interest in crime fighting, and has instead chosen to work fulltime in a booth in a traveling carnival guessing peoples weight.

EQUINA: When an overworked dental technician fell asleep at the controls, Lana Mantlepiece accidentally was given 450,000 dental x-rays, many more than the six that were called for. While she had no cavities, over the next few weeks, Lana developed the ability to fly and became a horse from the waist down. No longer able to work in her chosen professionshoe model Lana decided to use her new powers to fight crime and run in the Preakness.