Motherhood makes you feel like sh*t sometimes -- don't lie

Yesterday, I read and shared an article by science writer Olivia Campbell that started, Ever feel as if motherhood has literally sucked the life out of you? and I thought, Yes, yes I have. But, also i was shocked. I realized that no matter how post-feminist and resource-rich was my community, almost nobody says this kind of stuff out loud.

You can see it in writing, though. Hundreds of prominent women have opened up about their complicated feelings in the past few decades. Writer/comedian Tina Fey writes, Being a mom has made me so tired. And so happy. In her wryly written memoir Operating Instructions , Ann Lamott says, I wonder if it is normal for a mother to adore her baby so desperately and at the same time to think about choking him or throwing him down the stairs. Poet Adrienne Rich writes:

My children cause me the most exquisite suffering of which I have any experience. It is the suffering of ambivalence: the murderous alternation between bitter resentment and raw-edged nerves, and blissful gratification and tenderness.

From an anthropological perspective, the mother/infant conflict is set up from the beginning. In her book Woman , Pulitzer prize winning science writer Natalie Angier describes it, As children, we privately nurse a little myth of the perfect mother, the all-giving, all-loving mother. Mothers know they can be no such thingMothers must keep some for themselves, for the others, and for the eggs they have yet to hatch.

Anthropologist Nancy Scheper-Hughes studied motherhood all over the world, and found some who would have been considered cruel by our standards. She wrote, Mother love is anything other than natural and instead represents a matrix of images, meanings, sentiments, and practices that are everywhere socially and culturally produced.

Last week, i confessed my own confusion about work/family priorities to a good friend (Im working part-time but its been unsatisfying) and she said, Im so glad you said that. I feel like shit because nobody around me seems to get my desire to keep achieving something outside the kids. I wonder ladies: is it possible that despite the number of studies that have been done, surveys taken, and books thrust into the public sphere, were still partly holding ourselves (and being held) to the stereotypical standard of loving and prioritizing our children every waking moment? Sophia Loren was once quoted, When you are a mother, you are never really alone in your thoughts. A mother always has to think twice, once for herself and once for her child. I dont know if thats always true.

Many women still dont know the spectrum of emotions (and hour by hour rollercoaster rides) that come with motherhood. Its not part of the packet you pick up at the OBs office; its either youre depressed or your ok, nothing in between. Im forever thankful for picking up Mother Reader and Operating Instructions alongside What to Expect and Bringing Up Bebe during my first pregnancy. It would help if emotions were a larger part of the conversation.

But, doctors dont have the time, and mothers just dont disclose. Of course, we dont want to dump our trash on anyone else we all have enough to deal with already. Also, i realize, a full dose of honesty on a playground play date probably comes off as complaining much of the time. Some of us dont even have the opportunity to disclose. Ive moved so far away from my extended family that taking care of my kids involves me at home all day, away from any other mother figure who might be able to commiserate.

So, were relegated to books and articles, I guess. But, Im encouraged. As few as ten years ago I dont think I would have happened upon a random article about reproduction and longevity that starts, Every feel as if motherhood has literally sucked the life out of you? I count it as a win, though we still have a long way to go.

*first published in The Nest: pregnancy, kids, family, and nature

Casey Rentz is a science writer whose essays have appeared in New Scientist, Scientific American, Smithsonian.com, The Guardian, and Best Science Writing Online book series. She lives in Los Angeles with her husband and two kiddos. Find her at www.caseyrentz.com. Follow her at Facebook , Twitter .