No More Heroes

59 people dead in less than 10 minutes.

59 human lives.

59.

50 fucking 9.

I want so desperately to be able to understand, to grasp the reality that we live in. I want to send thoughts and prayers, but mine are filled with curse words. I want to say I believe in a God at this very moment, but thatd be a lie. I want to send my heart out to all those affected. But what if mine has been calloused and hardened by Orlando and Sandy Hook? What then?

I want to be able to say the right things through what I like to think I do best. I want to write about hope and love and faith, about how the good of the world outweighs the bad. I want to be able to help in any capacity. I want to believe that the words on this screen isnt everything I have to offer. I want my words to mean something to even one person whose been affected.

I want to rant, yet again, about the lax gun control laws in the most civilized and modern country the world has ever seen, with an anger and fervor that wasnt there the last time. I want to know that this time we will try, fully knowing it might not work. I want to believe that this post, along with so many others, will reach the eyes of our government, that theyll finally revisit the 2nd Amendment, realizing that it was put into place at a time when rifles had to be loaded with gun powder and a single bullet before being shot again. I want to be able to say that we are in good hands and that this time is different, that for whatever reason, Las Vegas was the turning point, that this tragedy wont be chalked up as a new record and yet another statistic.

I want to be able to confidently say that our schools are safe, that we can watch a movie and go to a club after, to say that we can enjoy a night of music and camaraderie. I want to able to trust the brown man with a beard and a turban on his head and I want to be able to trust the white man dressed in camoflouge holding a fish in his profile picture.

I want to say that this feeling I have, deep in the pit of my stomach, wont ever go away, but I shamefully know this feeling shall pass, as it did in 2012 and as it did last year. I want to believe that this hasnt become our normal, that this is as new and fresh as the first one.

I want to be able to remember all 59 smiling faces the news outlets have been gathering in homage to the victims, but I know I wont because I cant recall a single face of those 20 children.

I want to focus on the heroes, the ones patched up with streaks of blood on their shirts, but I dont want any more heroes because they shouldnt have had to be one.

I want to believe that our tears will turn to action and that action will turn to change. I want to believe that a life is worth more than our right to bear military-grade rifles.

And I want to see people coming together, with love and unity.

Just not like this.